How-I-Met-Your-Mother台词

1S1E01PilotKids,I'mgonnatellyouanincrediblestory;thestoryofhowImetyourmother.Arewebeingpunishedforsomething?No.Yeah,isthisgonnatakeawhile?Yes.25yearsago,beforeIwasDad,Ihadthiswholeotherlife.Itwaswaybackin.Iwas,juststartingtomakeitasanarchitectandlivinginNewYorkwithMarshall,mybestfriendfromcollege.Mylifewasgood.AndthenUncleMarshallwentandscrewedthewholethingup.Willyoumarryme?Yes.Perfect!Andthenyou'reengaged.Youpopthechampagne.Youdrinkatoast.Youhavesexonthekitchenfloor.Don'thavesexonourkitchenfloor.Gotit.Thanksforhelpingmeplanthisout,Ted.Dude,areyoukidding?It'syouandLilly.I'vebeenthereforallthebigmomentsofyouandLilly:nightyoumet,yourfirstdate,otherfirstthings.Yeah,sorry.Wethoughtyouwereasleep.It'sphysics,Marshall.Ifthebottombunkmoves,thetopbunkmoves,too.MyGod.You'regettingengagedtonight.Yeah.Whatareyoudoin'tonight?WhatwasIdoing?HereUncleMarshallwastakingthebiggeststepofhislife.Andme?I'mcallingupyourUncleBarney.Hey,soyouknowhowI'vealwayshadathingforhalf-Asiangirls?Well,nowI'vegotanewfavorite...Lebanesegirls.Lebanesegirlsarethenewhalf-Asians.Hey,youwanttodosomethin'tonight?Okay,meetmeatthebarinminutes.Andsuitup!Where'syoursuit?Justonce,whenIsaysuitup,Iwishyou'dputonasuit.Ididthatonetime.Itwasablazer!2Youknow,eversincecollegeit'sbeen,MarshallandLillyandme.Now,it'sgonnabeMarshallandLilly...andme.They'llgetmarried,startafamily.Beforelong,I'mthatweird,middle-agedbachelortheirkidscallUncleTed.Iseewhatthisisabout.HaveyouforgottenwhatIsaidtoyouthenightwemet?Ted,I'mgonnateachyouhowtolive.Barney.Wemetattheurinal.Oh,right.Right.Lessonone:losethegoatee.Itdoesn'tgowithyoursuit.-I'mnotwearingasuit.-Lessontwo:getasuit.Suitsarecool.ExhibitA.Lessonthree:don'teventhinkaboutgettingmarriedtillyou're..Right.You'reright.Iguessit'sjust,yourbestfriendgetsengaged,youstartthinkingaboutthatstuff.IthoughtIwasyourbestfriend.Ted,sayI'myourbestfriend.You'remybestfriend,Barney.Good.Then,asyourbestfriend,IsuggestweplayalittlegameIliketocall-HaveyoumetTed?-Wait.No,no,no.We'renotplayingHaveyoumetTed?Hi,haveyoumetTed?Hi,I'mTed.Yasmine.That'saveryprettyname.Thanks.It'sLebanese.I'mexhausted.Itwasfinger-paintingdayatschool,andafiveyear-oldboygottosecondbasewithme.Wow!You'recooking?Yes,Iam.Aw...Areyousurethat'sagoodidea?Afterlasttime,youlookedreallycreepywithouteyebrows.Icanhandlethis.Ithinkyou'llfindI'mfullofsurprisestonight.So,there'smoresurprises?Likewhat?Marshallwasinhissecondyearoflawschool,sohewasprettygoodatthinkingonhisfeet.3Boogedyboo!Andthat'sallof'em.I'mgonnago...cook.I'msohappyforMarshall,Ireallyam.Ijustcouldn'timaginesettlingdownrightnow.So,doyouthinkyou'llevergetmarried?Well,maybeeventually...somefallday,possiblyinCentralPark.Simpleceremony.We'llwriteourownvows.Band,noDJ.Peoplewilldance!I'mnotgonnaworryaboutit!Damnit,whydidMarshallhavetogetengaged?Yeah,nothinghotterthanaguyplanningouthisownimaginarywedding,huh?-Actually,Ithinkit'scute.-Well,you'reclearlydrunk.Onemoreforthelady!Oh,hey,lookwhatIgot.Oh,honey!Champagne.Yeah.No.Youaretoooldtobescaredtoopenabottleofchampagne.-I'mnotscared.-Thenopenit.Fine.Pleaseopenit?Youareunbelievable,Marshall.Therearetwobigquestionsamanhastoaskinlife.One,youplanoutformonths.Theotherjustslipsoutwhenyou'rehalfdrunkatsomebar.Willyoumarryme?Youwannagooutsometime?Ofcourse,youidiot!I'msorry,Carl'smyboyfriend.'Sup,Carl?IpromisedTedwewouldn'tdothat.Didyouknowthere'saPopTartunderyourfridge?No,butdibs.Where'sthatchampagne?Iwannadrinkatoastwithmyfiancée.Idon'tknowwhyIwassoscaredofthis.It'sprettyeasy,right?WhyamIfreakingoutallofasudden?Thisiscrazy.I'mnotreadytosettledown.HowdoesCarllandaLebanesegirl?4Theplanhasalwaysbeendon'teventhinkaboutituntilyou're.Exactly.Theguydoesn'tevenownasuit.Plus,Marshall'sfoundtheloveofhislife.EvenifIwasready,whichI'mnot...butifIwas,it's,like,Okay,I'mready.Whereisshe?Andthereshewas.Itwaslikesomethingfromanoldmovie,wherethesailorseesthegirlacrossthecrowdeddancefloor,turnstohisbuddyandsays,Seethatgirl?I'mgonnamarryhersomeday.Hey,Barney,seethatgirl?Oh,yeah.Youjustknowshelikesitdirty.Gosayhi.Ican'tjustgosayhi.Ineedaplan.I'mgonnawaituntilshegoestothebathroom,thenI'llstrategicallyplacemyselfbythejukebox...Hi,haveyoumetTed?Letmeguess...Ted.Sorry,Lilly.I'msosorry.-Takeustothehospital.-Whoa,whoa,whoa.Didyouhither?Hitme?Please!Thisguycanbarelyevenspankmeinbedforfun.He'salllike,Oh,honey.Didthathurt?And,I'mlike,Comeon!Letmehaveit,youpansy!-Wow,acompletestranger.-No,no,no,no!It'sokay.Goon.So,these,uh,spankings...youinpajamasoraunaturel?So,whatdoyoudo?I'mareporterforMetroNewsOne.Well,kindofareporter.Idothosedumblittlefluffpiecesattheendofthenews.Youknow,like,um...monkeywhocanplaytheukulele.I'mhopingtogetsomebiggerstoriessoon.Bigger,like,uh...gorillawithanuprightbass?Sorry.You'rereallypretty.Oh,yourfriendsdon'tseemtohappy.Yeah,see,theoneinthemiddlejustgotdumpedbyherboyfriend.So,tonight,everyguyistheenemy.5Youknowifit'llmakeyourfriendfeelbetter,youcouldthrowadrinkinmyface.Idon'tmind.Shewouldlovethat!Anditdoeslookfuninthemovies.Hey,youwannahavedinnerwithmeSaturdaynight?Oh,Ican't.I'mgoingtoOrlandoforaweeko