读笑话学英语

Thebestanswer•Anewspaperorganizedacontestforthebestanswertothequestion:IfafirebrokeoutintheLouvre,andifyoucouldonlysaveonepainting,whichonewouldyoucarryout?•Thewinningreplywas:Theonenearesttheexit.最佳答案•一份报纸组织了一场竞赛，为下面的问题征集最佳答案：“如果卢浮宫起了火，而你只能救出一幅画，你将拿出哪一幅？”•获奖的答案是：“最接近出口的那一幅。”Endearingterms•Berniewasinvitedtohisfriend'shomefordinner.Morris,thehost,precededeveryrequesttohiswifebyendearingterms,callingherHoney,MyLove,Darling,Sweetheart,etc.BernielookedatMorrisandremarked,Thatisreallynice,thatafteralltheseyearsthatyouhavebeenmarried,andyoukeepcallingyourwifethosepetnames.Morrishunghisheadandwhispered,Totellthetruth,Iforgothernamethreeyearsago.可爱的称呼•Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie发现，不管问他老婆什么问题，Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼，象蜜糖，我的爱人，亲爱的，甜心等等。Bernie对Morris说，“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的，结婚这么多年了，你还叫她叫得那么亲密。”Morris低下头，小声地对Bernie说，“老实跟你说吧，三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了。”Stoporslowdown•Acopstoppedamanforrunningastopsignandthesubjectgavethecopalotofgriefexplainingthathedidstop.•Afterseveralminutes,thecopexplainedtothegentlemanthathedidn'tstop,hejustsloweddownalittle.Thegentlemansaid,Stoporslowdown,what'sthedifference?Thecoppulledtheguyoutofthecarandhithimwithanightstickforaboutaminuteandthensaid,Wouldyoulikeformetostoporjustslowdown?停止还是减速•警察把一个男人拦了下来，因为他闯了停车指示牌。那名男子千方百计地刁难警察以解释自己确实是停车了。几分钟后，警察对这位先生说他并没有停车，他只是减了一点速。这位先生说：“停车和减速又有什么区别呢？”于是警察把这个人从车里拽出来，用警棍打了他一会儿，然后说：“你是想让我停止还是只是减减速呢？”NoProblem•Abaldmantookaseatinabeautyshop.HowcanIhelpyou?askedthestylist.Iwentforahairtransplant,theguyexplained,butIcouldn'tstandthepain.Ifyoucanmakemyhairlooklikeyourswithoutcausingmeanydiscomfort,I'llpayyou$5,000.Noproblem,saidthestylist,andhequicklyshavedhishead.没问题•一个秃头的男人坐在美容沙龙里。发型师问：“有什么可以帮你吗？”那个人解释说：“我本来要去做头发移植，但实在太疼了。如果你能够让我的头发看起来像你的一样，而且没有任何痛苦，我将付给你5000美元。”“没问题，”发型师说，然后他很快帮自己剃了个光头。Neveroutofstock•WhenIoverheardoneofmycashierstellacustomer,Wehaven'thaditforawhile,andIdoubtwe'llbegettingitsoon,Iquicklyassuredthecustomerthatwewouldhavewhateveritwasshewantedbynextweek.•Aftersheleft,Ireadthecashiertheriotact.Nevertellthecustomerthatwe'reoutofanything.Tellthemwe'llhaveitnextweek,Iinstructedher.Now,whatdidshewant?“•Rain.永不缺货•我无意中听到一个收银员对一名顾客说，“这个我们已经有些日子没货了，我怀疑我们能不能很快上货”。我迅速地向那顾客保证说不管她想要什么，我们下周就会有货。•在顾客离开之后，我警告收银员。“永远不要告诉顾客我们缺货，跟他们说我们下周就会有”，我训那个收银员。“现在告诉我，那位顾客想要什么”？“雨”。Boringlectures•OneofmyfavoriteteachersatSoutheastMissouriStateUniversityinCapeGirardeauisknownforhisdrollsenseofhumor.Explaininghisgroundrulestoonefreshmanclass,hesaid,NowIknowmylecturescanoftenbedryandboring,soIdon'tmindifyoulookatyourwatchesduringclass.Ido,however,objecttoyourpoundingthemonthedesktomakesurethey'rerunning!无聊的课•在开普吉拉多市的东南密苏里州立大学上学的时候，我喜欢的几个老师之中有一个以他的幽默感而出名。给新生上头一节课，他给学生解释在他课上的纪律，他说：“我知道我的课经常会很枯燥乏味，所以我并不介意你们在课上看表。然而，我坚决不允许你们把表重重的摔在课桌上，以此来检查你的表是不是还在走。”FiveHundredTimes•Inthetrafficcourtofalargemid-westerncity,ayoungladywasbroughtbeforethejudgetoansweraticketgivenherfordrivingthrougharedlight.Sheexplainedtohishonorthatshewasaschoolteacherandrequestedanimmediatedisposalofhercaseinorderthatshemighthastenontoherclasses.Awildgleamcameintothejudge'seye.Youareaschoolteacher,eh?saidhe.Madam,Ishallrealizemylifelongambition.Sitdownatthattableandwrite'Iwentthrougharedlight'fivehundredtimes.五百遍•在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里，一位年轻女士被带到法官面前，她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单。女士向法官解释，她是一名学校老师，请求法官马上处理她的案子，以便可以赶回去上课。法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠，说道：“你是学校的老师，对吗？女士，我马上要实现我毕生的愿望了。在那张桌子旁坐下，写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍。”Lifeafterdeath•Doyoubelieveinlifeafterdeath?thebossaskedoneofhisemployees.Yes,Sir.thenewrecruitreplied.Well,then,thatmakeseverythingjustfine,thebosswenton.Afteryouleftearlyyesterdaytogotoyourgrandmother'sfuneral,shestoppedintoseeyou.死后重生•“你相信人能死后重生吗？”老板问他的一个员工。“我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。“哦，那还好”。老板接着说。“你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”SixorTwelve•Ablondewentintoapizzaparlor.Whenshesaidthatshe‘dlikeamediumpizza,theclerkaskedherhowmanypiecesshe‘dliketohaveitcutinto:sixortwelve.“Oh,goodness,sixplease,”saidtheblonde.“Idon‘tthinkIcouldevereattwelve.”六还是十二•一位金发女郎走进一家比萨店，她说想要一个中比萨，店员问她希望把比萨切成六块还是十二块。“噢，天啊，请帮我切成六块。”女郎说，“我可不认为我能吃得下十二块比萨。”bedtimeprayer•Juliewassayingherbedtimeprayers.PleaseGod,shesaid,MakeNaplesthecapitalofItaly.MakeNaplesthecapitalofItaly.•Hermotherinterruptedandsaid,Julie,whydoyouwantGodtomakeNaplesthecapitalofItaly?•AndJuliereplied,Becausethat’swhatIputinmygeographyexam!睡前祷告•朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“祷告上帝，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”•妈妈打断她说：“朱莉叶，你为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？”•朱莉叶回答说：“因为我在地理考卷上是这么写的。”Whatisthebadnews?•Aguygoestoseehisdoctortogethistestresults.•WellMr.Jones,Ihavesomegoodnews&somebadnewsforyou.Thegoodnewsisthatyouhaveonly24hrstolive.That'sthegoodnews?wailsJones,Whatisthebadnews?TheDoctorgivesasheepishgrinandsays,Ishouldhavetoldyouyesterday!!!坏消息呢？•小伙子去医院询问诊断结果。“琼斯先生，我要告诉你一个好消息和一个坏消息，好消息是你只能活24小时了。”“这是好消息？”琼斯惨叫了一声，“那么坏消息呢？”医生苦笑一声：“我应该昨天告诉你这些的。”Wantadayoff•Smithgoestoseehissupervisorinthefrontoffice.Boss,hesays,we'redoingsomeheavyhouse-cleaningathometomorrow,andmywifeneedsmetohelpwiththeatticandthegarage,movingandhaulingstuff.“We'reshort-handed,Smiththebossreplies.Ican'tgiveyouthedayoff.“Thanks,boss,saysSmithIknewIcouldcountonyou!想请一天假•一天，史密斯去见他的客户部领导，“老板”，斯密斯说，“我们家