中英文笑话

英语笑话（一）Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenamonkeyandaflea?A:Amonkeycanhavefleas,butafleacan'thavemonkeys.猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？英语笑话（二）Heisreallysomebody--Myunclehas1000menunderhim.--Heisreallysomebody.Whatdoeshedo?--Amaintenancemaninacemetery.[?semitri]他真是一个大人物--我叔叔下面有1000个人。--他真是一个大人物。干什么的？--墓地守墓人。（三）TwoBirdsTeacher:Herearetwobirds,oneisaswallow,theotherissparrow.Nowwhocantelluswhichiswhich?Student:IcannotpointoutbutIknowtheanswer.Teacher:Pleasetellus.Student:Theswallowisbesidethesparrowandthesparrowisbesidetheswallow.两只鸟老师：这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。老师：请说说看。学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。（四）Amanseeawomanisbeautifulsohesaid:'Oh,youarebeautiful!'ButthewomanlikeChinesesaid:Where?Where?'Themansaid:eyesandmouthandthenose...'一老外见到一中国女人十分美丽，曰：“你真漂亮！”中国女人想按照中国的方式回答，曰：“哪里哪里！”老外便说：“眼睛、嘴巴、鼻子........”（五）一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”HowDidYouEverGetHere你是怎样来的？Onewintermorning,anemployeeexplainedwhyhehadshownupforwork45minuteslate.ItwassoslipperyoutthatforeverystepItookahead,Islippedbacktwo.Thebosseyedhimsuspiciously.Oh,yeah?Thenhowdidyouevergethere?Ifinallygaveup,hesaid,andstartedforhome.（六）采购过早那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉？”他问。“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？”在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。EarlyShopperItwasChristmasandthejudgewasinabenevolent[bi?nev?l?nt]moodashequestionedtheprisoner.Whatareyouchargedwith?heasked.Doingmychristmasshoppingearly,repliedthedefendant.That'snooffense,repliedthejudge,Howearlywereyoudoingthisshopping?Beforethestoreopened,counteredtheprisoner.（七）好消息和坏消息“有好消息，也有坏消息，”离婚律师告诉他的当事人。“我总能利用一些好消息吧，”当事人吧了口气说，“是什么好消息？”“你妻子没有要求将你未来的继承财产也划入裁决的范围。”“那么坏消息呢？”“离婚以后，她将与你父亲结婚。”GoodNewsAndBadNewsThere'sgoodnewsandbadnews,thedivorcelawyertoldhisclient.Icouldsureusesomegoodnews,sighedtheclient.What'sit?Yourwifeisn'tdemandingthatyourfutureinheritancesbeincludedinthesettlement.Andthebadnews?Afterthedivorce,she'smarryingyourfather.（八）百万富翁主管人：我妻子使我成为百万富翁。助手：以前你是什么？主管人：千万富翁。CEO:Mywifemadeamillionaireoutofme.Assistant:Whatwereyoubefore?CEO:amultimillionaire.（九）过一秒钟AmangoestochurchandstartstalkingtoGod.Hesays:God,whatisamilliondollarstoyou?andGodsays:Apenny,thenthemansays:God,whatisamillionyearstoyou?andGodsays:asecond,thenthemansays:God,canIhaveapenny?andGodsaysInasecond一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:主啊,一百万美元对你意味着多少?上帝回答:一便士.男子又问:那一百万年呢?上帝说:一秒钟.最后男子请求道:上帝,我能得到一便士吗?上帝回答:过一秒钟.（十）Jackfeelloffhisbicycleandgothurt.Abeautifulyoungnurseaskedhimtofillforms.Jackfinishedthemandgavethemback.Anythingelse?Thenurseasked.Yes,Jackthinksforawhileandsaid,I'mabachelor.杰克骑车摔伤,得住院治疗.一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填.仞杰克填好递上表格还有什么漏填的?护士问.有!杰克想了想说,我是个单身汉.（十一）Onedayadoctorwenttoastoreandboughtapairofshoes.Beforehelefttheshoescounter,heaskedthesalesgirl:Howlongwillthispairofshoeslast?Itdepends.Ifyoudontuseit,theshoeswillneverwearout.Severaldayslaterthesalesgirlfellillandwenttoahospital.Andthehappenedtobethecustomersheserved.Afterthegirlgottheprescriptionfromthedoctor,sheasked:HowsoonwillIgetbetterwiththemedicine?”Itdepends.Thedoctoranswered,Ifyoudontuseit,youwillnevergetbetter.一天，一位医生到鞋店买了双鞋。他在离开柜台之前，问售货员：“这双鞋能穿多长时间？““看情况而定。如果您不穿它，那它们永远也不会坏。”几天后，这位售货员病了，去医院看病。这位医生碰巧是那位顾客。当售货员拿了处方后，问道：“吃了这药，我的病多长时间才能好呀？”“看情况而定。”医生说，“如果你不吃药，你的病永远也好不了。”(十二)Wifetalkingtoherhusband(whoreadsnewspaperallday):IwishIwereanewspapersoI'llbeinyourhandsallday.Husband:Iwishthattoo,soIcouldchangeyoudaily.妻子走到看报纸的丈夫面前说：我真希望我是一份报纸，这样我每天都可以被你捧在手心里了。丈夫回答到：我也希望如此，这样我就可以主宰和改变你一天了！（十三）Wehavegotanewdog,wouldyouliketocomearoundandplaywithhim?Well,Idon'tknow.Doeshebite?That'swhatIwanttofindout.我们又得到了一只新狗，你要过来和他玩玩吗？哦，我不知道。他咬人吗？这正是我想要知道的。（十四）Bobwashavingtroublegettingtosleepatnight.Hewenttoseehisdoctor,whoprescribedsomeextra-strongsleepingpills.SundaynightBobtookthepills,sleptwellandwasawakebeforeheheardthealarm.Hetookhistimegettingtotheoffice,strolledinandsaidtohisboss:Ididn'thaveabitoftroublegettingupthismorning.That'sfine,roaredtheboss,butwherewereyouMondayandTuesday?鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。好啊!老板吼道，那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？（十五）Danisteachinghissonhowtobox.Ashedoesso,helefthisfriend,Thisisatoughworld,soI’mteachingmyboytofight.Friend:Butsupposehecomesupagainstsomeonemuchbiggerthanheis,who’salsobeentaughthowtobox.Dan:I’mteachinghimhowtorun,too.丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。朋友：如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？丹：我也会教他怎么样赛跑。（十六）A:Whichdoyoufindmoreimportant,moneyorfriends?B:Friends,ofcourse.A:Why?B:Icanalwaysborrowmoneyfromfriends.甲：你认为钱和朋友哪一个更重要？乙：当然是朋友。甲：为什么？乙：我总可以从朋友那儿借到钱。（十七）Policeman:Whydidn'tyoushoutforhelpwhenyouwererobbedofyourwatch?Policeman:Whydidn'tyoushoutforhelpwhenyouwererobbedofyourwatch?Man:IfIhadopenedmymouth,they'dhavefoundmyfourgoldteeth.Thatwouldbemuchworse.警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了（十八）Twoyoungboyswerespendingthenightattheirgrandparents'.Atbedtime,thetwoboyskneltbesidetheirbedstosaytheirprayerswhentheyoungeronebeganprayingatthetopofhislungs.IPRAYFORANEWBICYCLE...IPRAYFORANEWNINTENDO...IPRAYFORAN