Why_marriages_fail

WHYMARRIAGESFAILAnneRoipheAnneRoipheisnotedforherexplorationofwomen’ssearchforpersonalidentity.Themesrunningthroughherfictionandnonfictionincludefeminism,marriage,family,andculturalidentity.Onecommentatorhasreferredtoherwritingasa“thoughtfulandoftenprovocative”analysisofhistoryandoftheforcesthatshapemoderncultureandsociety.AnneRoiphe’sbest-knownnovelisUptheSandbox!ShehasalsocontributedtosuchmagazinesasRedbookandFamilyCircle.Inthefollowingessay,thewriterexaminesoneofthestrikingfactsofourmodernsociety,thatis,thelargenumberofmarriagesendingindivorce.Assheexploresthistopic,wenoticetwoimpressiveaspectsofherwriting:ananalysisthatisalwaysclearandconvincing,andavoicethatisreasonableandcalm.1Thesedayssomanymarriagesendindivorcethatourmostsacredvowsnolongerringwithtruth.“Happilyeverafter”and“Tilldeathdouspart”areexpressionsthatseemonthewaytobecomingobsolete.Whyhasitbecomesohardforcouplestostaytogether?Whatgoeswrong?Whathashappenedtousthatclosetoone-halfofallmarriagesaredestinedforthedivorcecourts?Howcouldwehavecreatedasocietyinwhich42percentofourchildrenwillgrowupinsingle-parenthomes?Ifstatisticscouldonlymeasureloneliness,regret,pain,lossofself-confidenceandfearofthefuture,thenumberswouldbebeyondquantifying.2Eventhougheachbrokenmarriageisunique,wecanstillfindthecommonperils,thecommoncausesformaritaldespair.Eachmarriagehascrisispointsandeachmarriagetestsendurance,thecapacityforbothintimacyandchange.Outsidepressuressuchasjobloss,illness,infertility,troublewithachild,careofagingparentsandalltheotherplaguesoflifehitmarriagethewayhurricanesblastourshores.Somemarriagessurvivethesestormsandothersdon’t.Marriagesfail,however,notsimplybecauseoftheoutsideweatherbutbecausetheinnerclimatebecomestoohotortoocold,tooturbulentortoostupefying.3Whenwelookathowwechooseourpartnersandwhatexpectationsexistatthetenderbeginningsofromance,someofthereasonsfordisasterbecomequiteclear.Weallselectwithunconsciousaccuracyamatewhowillrecreatewithustheemotionalpatternsofourfirsthomes.Dr.CarlA.Whitaker,amaritaltherapistandemeritusprofessorofpsychiatryattheUniversityofWisconsin,explains,“Fromearlychildhoodon,eachofuscarriedmodelsformarriage,femininity,masculinity,motherhood,fatherhoodandalltheotherfamilyroles.”Eachofusfallsinlovewithamatewhohasqualitiesofourparents,whowillhelpusdiscoverboththepsychologicalhappinessandmiseriesofourpastlives.WemaythinkwehavefoundamanunlikeDad,butthenheturnstodrinkordrugs,orloseshisjoboverandoveragainorsitssilentlyinfrontoftheT.V.justthewayDaddid.Amanmaychooseawomanwhodoesn’tlikekidsjustlikehismotherorwhogamblesawaythefamilylifesavingsjustlikehismother.Orhemaychooseaslenderwifewhoseemsunlikehisobesemotherbutthenturnsouttohaveotheraddictionsthatdestroymutualhappiness.4Amanandawomanbringtotheirmarriagebedablendedconcoctionofconsciousandunconsciousmemoriesoftheirparents’livestogether.Thehumanwayistocompulsivelyrepeatandrecreatethepatternsofthepast.SigmundFreudsowelldescribedtheunhappydesignthatmanyofusgettrappedin:theunmetneedsofchildhood,theangryfeelingsleftoverfromfrustrationslongago,thelimitsoftrustandtherecurrenceofoldfears.Onceanindividualsensesthisentrapment,theremayfollowayearningtoescape,andtheresultcouldbeabroken,splinteredmarriage.5Ofcoursepeoplecanovercomethehabitsandattitudesthatdevelopedinchildhood.Weallhavehiddenstrengthsandamazingcapacitiesforgrowthandcreativechange.Change,however,requireswork—observingyourpartinarottenpattern,bringingdifficultiesoutintotheopen—andworkrunscountertothebasicmythofmarriage:“WhenIwedthispersonallmyproblemswillbeover.IwillhaveachievedsuccessandIwillbecomethecenteroflifeforthisotherpersonandthispersonwillbemycenter,andwewillmeaneverythingtoeachotherforever.”Thismyth,whicheverymarriagerelieson,issoonexposed.Thecomingofchildren,thepullsandtugsoftheirdemandsonaffectionandtime,placeconsiderablestrainonthatbasicmythofmeaningeverythingtoeachother,ofmergingtogetherandsolvingalloflife’sproblems.6Concernandtensionaboutmoneytakeeachpartnerawayfromtheother.Obligationstodemandingparentsorstill-depended-uponparentscreatefurtherstrain.Couplestodaymustalsodealwithalltheculturalchangesbroughtoninrecentyearsbythewomen’smovementandthesexualrevolution.Thealteringofrolesandtheshiftingofresponsibilitieshavebeenextremelytryingformanymarriages.7Theseandotherrealitiesoflifeerodethevisionsofmaritalblissthewaysandstormseatatrockandtheoceannibblesawayatthedunes.Thoseeuphoric,grandfeelingsthataccompanyromanticlovearereallyself-delusions,self-hypnoticdreamsthatenableustoforgearelationship.Reallife,failureatwork,disappointments,exhaustion,badsmells,badcoldsandhardtimesallpuncturethedreamandleaveusstrandedwithourmate,withourchildhoodpatternspushingusthiswayandthat,withourunfulfilledexpectations.8Thestruggletosurviveinmarriagerequiresadaptability,flexibility,genuineloveandkindnessandanimaginationstrongenoughtofeelwhattheotherisfeeling.Manymarriagesfallapartbecauseeitherpartnercannotimaginewhattheotherwantsorcannotcommunicatewhatheorsheneedsorfeels.Angerbuildsuntiliteruptsintoavolcanicburstthatburiesthemarriageinas