英语幽默A1

1、HisAndHerDiaryJustgoestoshowhowdifferentlymenandwomenlookatthings...HERDIARY：SaturdaynightIthoughthewasactingweird.Wehadmadeplanstomeetatabartohaveadrink.Iwasshoppingwithmyfriendsalldaylong,soIthoughthewasupsetatthefactthatIwasabitlate,buthemadenocomment.Conversationwasn'tflowingsoIsuggestedthatwegosomewherequietsowecouldtalk.Heagreedbuthekeptquietandabsent.Iaskedhimwhatwaswronghesaidnothing.Iaskedhimifitwasmyfaultthathewasupset.Hesaidithadnothingtodowithmeandnottoworry.OnthewayhomeItoldhimthatIlovedhim,hesimplysmiledandkeptdriving.Ican'texplainhisbehaviour;Idon'tknowwhyhedidn'tsayIloveyoutoo.WhenwegothomeIfeltasifhadlosthim,asifhewantednothingtodowithmeanymore.HejustsatthereandwatchedTVHeseemeddistantandabsent.FinallyIdecidedtogotobed.About10minuteslaterhecametobedandtomysurpriseherespondedtomycaressandwemadelove,butIstillfeltthathewasdistractedandhisthoughtswheresomewhereelse.IdecidedthatIcouldnottakeitanymoresoIdecidedtoconfronthimwiththesituationbuthehadfallenasleep.IstartedcryingandcrieduntilItoofellasleep.Idon'tknowwhattodo.I'malmostsurethathisthoughtsarewithsomeoneelse.Mylifeisadisaster.HISDIARYTodaytheLeafslost.AtleastIgotlaid.2、MarriageIs...Abestman'sspeechshouldbelikeamini-skirt:shortenoughtobeinteresting,butlongenoughtocoverthebareessentials.AclassifiedadwhichreadWifeWantedreceivedhundredsofresponses,allfrommensayingYoucanhavemine.Agentlemanisonewhoneverswearsathiswifewhileladiesarepresent.Ahusbandexpectshiswifetobeperfect...andtounderstandwhyhe'snot.Ahusbandislivingproofthatawifecantakeajoke.Ahusbandsaidtohiswife,No,Idon'thateyourrelatives.Infact,Ilikeyourmother-in-lawbetterthanIlikemine.Amanneedsamistress,justtobreakthemonogamy.Aperfectwifeisonewhohelpsthehusbandwiththedishes.Asonaskedhisfather,Daddy,howmuchdoesitcosttogetmarried?Fatherreplied,Idon'tknowson.I'mstillpayingforit.Asuccessfulmanisonewhomakesmoremoneythanhiswifecanspend.Asuccessfulwomanisonewhocanfindsuchaman.Atoasttothenewlyweds:Mayyouronlyupsanddownsbebetweenthesheets.Aweddingringislikeatourniquet;itcutsoffyourcirculation.Awomanwastellingherfriend,ItisIwhomademyhusbandamillionaire.Thefriendasked,Andwhatwashebeforeyoumarriedhim?Thewomanreplied,Amulti-millionaire.Afteraquarrel,awifesaidtoherhusband,Youknow,IwasafoolwhenImarriedyou.Thehusbandreplied,Yes,dear,butIwasinloveanddidn'tnotice.Beforewegotmarried,Icaughtherinmyarms.NowIcatchherinmypockets.Confuciussaymanwhosinkintowoman'sarmssoonhavearmsinwoman'ssink.EightypercentofmarriedmencheatinAmerica.TherestcheatinEurope.Honeymoon:Ashortperiodofdotingbetweendatinganddebting.Ihadsomewordswithmywifeandshehadsomeparagraphswithme.ImarriedMissRight.Ijustdidn'tknowherfirstnamewasAlways.IneverknewwhatrealhappinesswasuntilIgotmarried...andthenitwastoolate.Irecentlyreadthatloveisentirelyamatterofchemistry.Thatmustbewhymywifetreatsmeliketoxicwaste.Iwasmarriedbyajudge.Ishouldhaveaskedforajury.I'manexcellenthousekeeper.EverytimeIgetadivorce,Ikeepthehouse.Ifyouwantyourspousetolistenandpayfullattentiontowhatyouhavetosay,talkinyoursleep.It'sagive-and-takemarriage.Hegivesandshetakes.Marriageisagreatinstitution;butwhowantstoliveinaninstitution?MarriageisaninstitutioninwhichthemanloseshisBachelor'sdegreeandthewomangetsherMaster's.Marriageistheonlysportinwhichthetrappedanimalhastobuythelicense.Marriageiswhenamanandwomanbecomeasone;thetroublestartswhentheytrytodecidewhichone.Mywiferanoffwithmybestfriendlastweek.Gosh,Imisshim!Sheofferedherhonor,hehonoredheroffer,andallnighthewasonherandoffher.Thethreestagesofsexinmarriage:tri-weekly;try-weekly;try-weaklyTheysaythatwhenamanholdsawoman'shandbeforemarriage,itislove;aftermarriageitisself-defense.Whenamanopensthedoorofhiscarforhiswife,youcanbesureofonething:eitherthecarisneworthewife.3、HeSaid,SheSaidWheneveramanhassomethingtosay,youcanbesureawomanalwayshastohavehersayintheend...Hesaid...Idon'tknowwhyyouwearabra;you'vegotnothingtoputinit.Shesaid...Youwearbriefs,don'tyou?Hesaid...Doyoulovemejustbecausemyfatherleftmeafortune?Shesaid...Notatallhoney,Iwouldloveyounomatterwholeftyouthemoney.Hesaid...Thiscoffeeisn'tfitforapig!Shesaid...Noproblem,I'llgetyousomethatis.Shesaid...Whatdoyoumeanbycominghomehalfdrunk?Hesaid...It'snotmyfault...Iranoutofmoney.Hesaid...SinceIfirstlaideyesonyou,I'vewantedtomakelovetoyouintheworstway.Shesaid...Well,yousucceeded.Priest...Idon'tthinkyouwilleverfindanothermanlikeyourlatehusband.Shesaid...Who'sgonnalook?Hesaid...Youhaveaflatchestandneedtoshaveyourlegs,haveyoueverbeenmistakenforaman?Shesaid...No,haveyou?Hesaid...Whydoyouwomenalwaystrytoimpressuswithyourlooks,notwithyourbrains?Shesaid...Becausethereisabiggerchancethatamanisamoronthanheisblind.Hesaid...Let'sgooutandhavesomefuntonight.Shesaid...Okay,butifyougethomebeforeIdo,leavethehallwaylighton.Hesaid...Whydon'tyoutellmewhenyouhaveanorgasm?Shesaid...Iwould,butyou'reneverthere.Hesaid...Shallwetryswappingpositionstonight?Shesaid...That'sagoodidea...Youstandbytheironingboard,whileIsitonthesofaandfart.4、AirlineHumorPeopleintheairlineindustryaren'tallserious...1.OnaContinentalFlightwithav