英语幽默故事选网上搜集170多篇

英汉对照幽默故事选1.ItwastwoweeksbeforeChristmas,andMrs.Smithwasverybusy.SheboughtalotofChristmascardstosendtoherfriendsandtoherhusband’sfriends,andputthemonthetableinthelivingroom.Then,whenherhusbandcamehomefromwork,shesaidtohim,‘HerearetheChristmascardsforourfriends,andherearesomestamps,apenandourbookofaddresses.WillyoupleasewritethecardswhileIamcookingthedinner?’Mr.Smithdidnotsayanything,butwalkedoutoftheliving-roomandwenttohisstudy.Mrs.Smithwasveryangrywithhim,butdidnotsayanythingeither.ThenaminutelaterhecamebackwithaboxfullofChristmascards.Allofthemhadaddressesandstampsonthem.‘Thesearefromlastyear,’hesaid.‘Iforgottopostthem.’2.Mrs.Joneswaswaitingforanimportanttelephonecall,butshehadnobreadinthehouse,sosheleftthebabyathomeandsaidtohisfive-year-oldbrother,‘Iamgoingtotheshops,Jimmy,andIwillbebackinafewminutes.’Whileshewasout,thetelephonerang,andJimmyanswered.‘Hullo,’saidaman,‘isyourmotherthere?’‘no,’answeredJimmy.‘Well,whenshecomesback,saytoher,“Mr.Backertelephoned”.’‘What?’‘Mr.Baker.Writeitdown.B-A-K-E-R.’‘HowdoyoumakeaB?’‘HowdoImake…?Listen,littleboy,isthereanybodyelsewithyou?Anybrothersorsisters?’‘MybrotherBillyishere.’‘Good,Iwanttotalktohim,please.’‘Allright.’Jimmytookthetelephonetothebaby’sbedandgaveittoBilly.Whentheirmothercameback,sheasked,‘Didanyonetelephone?’‘Yes,’saidJimmy,‘aman.ButheonlywantedtotalktoBilly.’3.Nasreddinhadanoldshed.Ithadnowindows,soitwasverydark,anditwasfullofoldthings.OnedayNasreddinwentintothisshedtogetaladder,butslippedonsomethingandfellagainstabiggardenfork.Theforkhithimontheheadandknockedhimdown.Thenitfellontopofhimandhithimhardontheleftleg.Theendsoftheforkthenwentintohislongbeard.Hefoughtwiththeforkfiercely,andatlastthrewitoffhim,jumpedupandranoutoftheshed.Hewasveryangry.Hehadanoldswordunderhisbed,andhenowranandgotthis.Thenheranbacktotheshed,openedthedoorsuddenlyandshoutedinaterriblevoice,‘Allright,comeoutandfight,youandalltheotherforksintheworld!I’mnotafraidofyou!’4.Amanalwayswenttothesamebaratthesametimeeverydayandaskedfortwoglassesofbeer.Hedrankthemandthenaskedfortwomore.Onedaythemanbehindthebarsaidtohim,‘Whydoyoualwaysaskfortwoglassesofbeer?Whydon’tyougetonebigglassinstead?’Themananswered,‘BecauseIdonotliketodrinkalone.Idrinkwithmyfriend.’Butafewdayslaterthemancameinandaskedonlyforonebeer.‘Oh,’saidthebarman,‘hasyourfrienddied?’‘Oh,no,’saidtheman.‘Heisverywell.Thisbeerisforhim.ButIhavestoppeddrinkingbeer.Mydoctordoesn’twantmetodrinkanymorebecauseitisdangerousforme.’5.OldMr.Blacklovedshootingbears,buthiseyeswerenotgoodanymore.Severaltimeshenearlyshotpeopleinsteadofbears,sohisfriendswerealwaysverycarefulwhentheywentoutshootingwithhim.Onedayayoungfriendofhiswantedtohaveajoke,sohegotabigpieceofwhitepaperandwroteonitinverygigletters‘IAMNOTABEAR’.Thenhetiedittohisbackandwentoff.Hisfriendssawitandlaughedalot.Butitdidnotsavehim.AfterafewminutesMr.Blackshotathimandknockedhishatoff.Theyoungmanwasfrightenedandangry.‘Didn’tyouseethispieceofpaper?’heshoutedtoMr.Black.‘Yes,Idid,’saidMr.Black.Thenhewentnearer,lookedcarefullyatthepaperandsaid,‘Oh,Iamverysorry.IdidnotseethewordNOT.’6.Mrs.Brown’soldgrandfatherlivedwithherandherhusband.Everymorninghewentforawalkintheparkandcamehomeathalfpasttwelveforhislunch.ButonemorningapolicecarstoppedoutsideMrs.Brown’shouseattwelveo’clock,andtwopolicemenhelpedMr.Browntogetout.OneofthemsaidtoMrs.Brown,‘Thepooroldgentlemanlosthiswayintheparkandtelephonedtousforhelp,sowesentacartobringhimhome.’Mrs.Brownwasverysurprised,butshethankedthepolicemenandtheyleft.‘But,Grandfather,’Shethensaid,‘youhavebeentothatparknearlyeverydayfortwentyyears.Howdidyouloseyourwaythere?’Theoldmansmiled,closedoneeyeandsaid,‘Ididn’tquitelosemyway.IjustgottiredandIdidn’twanttowalkhome!’7.Helen’seyeswerenotverygood,sosheusuallyworeglasses.Butwhenshewasseventeenandshebegantogooutwithayoungman,sheneverworeherglasseswhenshewaswithhim.Whenhecametothedoortotakeherout,shetookherglassesoff,andwhenshecamehomeagainandheleft,sheputthemon.Onedayhermothersaidtoher,‘ButHelen,whydoyouneverwearyourglasseswhenyouarewithJim?Hetakesyoutobeautifulplacesinhiscar,butyoudon’tseeanything.’‘Well,Mother,’saidHelen,“IlookprettiertoJimwhenIamnotwearingmyglasses–andhelooksbettertometoo!’8.Amanwastryingtobuildanelectricmotor–car.Heworkedinanofficeinthetownduringmostoftheweek,butonSaturdaysandSundayshestayedathomeinthecountryandworkedonhiselectriccar.EveryMondayhetoldhisfriendsattheofficeabouthisworkonthecar,buthisnewsaboutitwasneververygood.ThenatlastoneMondaymorninghecametotheofficeandsaidtohisfriends,‘Ihavedoneit!Ihavedrivenfrommyhometoherebyelectricity!’Hisfriendswereallveryglad.‘Howmuchdiditcosttogetherebyelectricity?’theyasked.‘Threehundredandtwopounds,’heanswered.‘Twopoundsfortheelectricity,andthreehundredpoundsfortheelectricwiresfrommyhousetothecar.’9.Anartistwenttoabeautifulpartofthecountryforaholiday,andstayedwithafarmer.Everydayhewentoutwithhispaintsandhisbrushesandpaintedfrommorningtoevening,andthenwhenitgotdark,hewentbacktothefarmandhadagooddinnerbeforehewenttobed.Attheendofhisholidayhewantedtopaythefarmer,bu