奥布莱恩演讲

美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南·奥布莱恩为2011年达特茅斯学院做了毕业致辞。前半部分有很多搞笑串场，后半部分柯南跟大家分享了自己的经历和人生经验：正是那些既定想法的失败，才使我们成为独一无二的人！以下是演讲全文：I'vebeenlivinginLosAngelesfortwoyears,andI'veneverbeenthiscoldinmylife.Iwillpayanyonehere$300forGORE-TEXgloves.Anybody.I'mserious.Ihavethecash.BeforeIbegin,ImustpointoutthatbehindmesitsahighlyadmiredPresidentoftheUnitedStatesanddecoratedwarherowhileI,acabletelevisiontalkshowhost,hasbeenchosentostandhereandimpartwisdom.IprayIneverwitnessamoredamningexampleofwhatiswrongwithAmericatoday.Graduates,faculty,parents,relatives,undergraduates,andoldpeoplethatjustcometothesethings:GoodmorningandcongratulationstotheDartmouthClassof2011.Today,youhaveachievedsomethingspecial,somethingonly92percentofAmericansyouragewilleverknow:acollegediploma.That’sright,withyourcollegediplomayounowhaveacrushingadvantageover8percentoftheworkforce.I'mtalkingaboutdropoutloserslikeBillGates,SteveJobs,andMarkZuckerberg.Incidentally,speakingofMr.Zuckerberg,onlyatHarvardwouldsomeonehavetoinventamassivesocialnetworkjusttotalkwithsomeoneinthenextroom.Myfirstjobasyourcommencementspeakeristoillustratethatlifeisnotfair.Forexample,youhaveworkedtirelesslyforfouryearstoearnthediplomayou’llbereceivingthisweekend.Thatwasgreat.AndDartmouthisgivingmethesamedegreeforinterviewingthefourthleadinTwilight.Dealwithit.Anotherexamplethatlifeisnotfair:ifitdoesrain,thepowerfulrichpeopleonstagegetthetent.Dealwithit.IwouldliketothankPresidentKimforinvitingmeheretoday.AftermyphonecallwithPresidentKim,Idecidedtofindoutalittlebitabouttheman.HegoesbyPresidentKimandDr.Kim.Tohisfriends,he'sJimKim,JtotheK,SpecialK,JKRowling,theJustKiddingKimster,andmostpuzzling,StinkyPete.HeservedasthechairoftheDepartmentofGlobalHealthandSocialMedicineatHarvardMedicalSchool,spearheadedataskforcefortheWorldHealthOrganizationonGlobalHealthInitiatives,wonaMacArthurGeniusGrant,andwasoneofTIMEMagazine's100MostInfluentialPeoplein2006.GoodGod,man,whatthehellareyoucompensatingfor?Seriously.Wegetit.You'resmart.BythewayDr.Kim,youwerebroughttoDartmouthtolead,andasaworld-classanthropologist,youwerealsohiredtofigureoutwhyeachofthesegraduatingstudentsranaroundabonfire111times.ButIthankyouforinvitingmehere,StinkyPete,anditisanhonor.Thoughsomeofyoumayseemeasacelebrity,youshouldknowthatIoncesatwhereyousit.Literally.LatelastnightIsnuckouthereandsatineveryseat.Ididittoproveapoint:IamnotbrightandIhavealotoffreetime.ButthisisawonderfuloccasionanditisgreattobehereinNewHampshire,whereIamgettinganhonorarydegreeandallthelegalfireworksIcanfitinthetrunkofmycar.Youknow,NewHampshireissuchaspecialplace.WhenIarrivedItookadeepbreathofthiscrispNewEnglandairandthought,Wow,I'minthestatethat'snexttothestatewhereBenandJerry'sicecreamismade.Butdon'tgetmewrong,Itakemytasktodayveryseriously.WhenIgotthecalltwomonthsagotobeyourspeaker,Idecidedtopreparewiththesameintensitymanyofyouhavedevotedtoanimportanttermpaper.Solatelastnight,Ibegan.IdranktwocansofRedBull,snortedsomeAdderall,playedafewhoursofCallofDuty,andthenopenedmybrowser.IthinkWikipediaputitbestwhentheysaidDartmouthCollegeisaprivateIvyLeagueUniversityinHanover,NewHampshire,UnitedStates.Thankyouandgoodluck.Tocommunicatewithyoustudentstoday,Ihavegonetogreatlengthstobecomewell-versedinyouruniquelinguisticpatterns.Infact,justthismorningIleftBakerBerrywithmytripeeBarrytoeataBillyBobattheBemawhenmyflitztoFrancescawasBlitzjackedbysomed-bagonhisFSP.Yes,I'vedonemyresearch.ThiscollegewasnamedaftertheSecondEarlofDartmouth,agoodfriendoftheThirdEarlofUCSantaCruzandtheDukeoftheBarbizonSchoolofBeauty.YourschoolmottoisVoxclamantisindeserto,whichmeansVoicecryingoutinthewilderness.ThisiseasilythemostpatheticschoolmottoIhaveeverheard.Apparently,itnarrowlybeatoutSilentlyWeepinginThickShrubandWhimperinginMoistLeaveswithoutPants.Yourschoolcolorisgreen,andthiscolorwaschosenbyFrederickMatherin1867because,andthisistrue—Ilookeditup—itwastheonlycolorthathadnotbeentakenalready.Icannotrememberhearinganythingsosad.Dartmouth,youhaveaninferioritycomplex,andyoushouldnot.YouhavegraduatedmoregreatfictitiousAmericansthananyothercollege.MeredithGreyofGrey'sAnatomy.PeteCampbellfromMadMen.MichaelCorleonefromTheGodfather.Infact,Ilookforwardtonextyears'ValedictoryAddressbyyouresteemedclassmate,CountChocula.Ofcourse,yourgreatestfictitiousgraduateisTreasurySecretaryTimothyGeithner.Man,canyouimagineifarealTreasurySecretarymadethosekindsofdecisions?Hahahahahahahahahahaha.NowIknowwhatyou'regoingtosay,Dartmouth,you'regoingtosay,wellWe'vegotDr.Seuss.Wellguesswhat,we'realltiredofhearingaboutDr.Seuss.Faceit:Themanrhymedfafloozlewithsaznoozle.Intheliterarycommunity,that'scalledcheating.Yourinsecurityissogreat,Dartmouth,thatyoudon'teventhinkyoudeservearealpodium.I'msorry.Whatthehellisthisthing?ItlookslikeyoustoleitfromthesetofSurvivor:NovaScotia.Seriously,itlookslikesomethingabearwoulduseatanAAmeeting.No,Dartmouth,youmuststandtall.Raiseyourheadshighandfeelproud.BecauseifHarvard,Yale,andPrincetonareyourself-involved,vain,name-droppingolderbrothers,youarethecool,sexuallyconfident,lacrosseplayingyoungersiblingwhoknowshowtothr