The-Catbird-Seat

TheCatbirdSeatJamesThurberMr.MartinboughtthepackofCamelsonMondaynightinthemostcrowdedcigarstoreonBroadway.Itwastheatretimeandsevenoreightmenwerebuyingcigarettes.Theclerkdidn'tevenglanceatMr.Martin,whoputthepackinhisovercoatpocketandwentout.IfanyofthestaffatF&Shadseenhimbuythecigarettes,theywouldhavebeenastonished,foritwasgenerallyknownthatMr.Martindidnotsmoke,andneverhad.Noonesawhim.ItwasjustaweektothedaysinceMr.MartinhaddecidedtoruboutMrs.UlgineBarrows.Thetermruboutpleasedhimbecauseitsuggestednothingmorethanthecorrectionofanerror--inthiscaseanerrorofMr.Fitweiler.Mr.Martinhadspenteachnightofthepastweekworkingouthisplanandexaminingit.Ashewalkedhomenowhewentoveritagain.Forthehundredthtimeheresentedtheelementofimprecision,themarginofguessworkthatenteredintothebusiness.Theprojectashehadworkeditoutwascasualandbold,theriskswereconsiderable.Somethingmightgowronganywherealongtheline.Andthereinlaythecunningofhisscheme.Noonewouldeverseeinitthecautious,painstakinghandofErwinMartin,headofthefilingdepartmentatF&S,ofwhomMr.Fitweilerhadoncesaid,ManisfalliblebutMartinisn't.Noonewouldseehishand,thatis,unlessitwerecaughtintheact.Sittinginhisapartment,drinkingaglassofmilk,Mr.MartinreviewedhiscaseagainstMrs.UlgineBarrows,ashehadeverynightforsevennights.Hebeganatthebeginning.HerquackingvoiceandbrayinglaughhadfirstprofanedthehallsofF&SonMarch7,1941(Mr.Martinhadaheadfordates).OldRoberts,thepersonnelchief,hadintroducedherasthenewlyappointedspecialadvisertothepresidentofthefirm,Mr.Fitweiler.ThewomanhadappalledMr.Martininstantly,buthehadn'tshownit.Hehadgivenherhisdryhand,alookofstudiousconcentration,andafaintsmile.Well,shehadsaid,lookingatthepapersonhisdesk,areyouliftingtheoxcartoutoftheditch?AsMr.Martinrecalledthatmoment,overhismilk,hesquirmedslightly.Hemustkeephismindonhercrimesasaspecialadviser,notonherpeccadillosasapersonality.Thishefounddifficulttodo,inspiteofenteringanobjectionandsustainingit.Thefaultsofthewomanasawomankeptchatteringoninhismindlikeanunrulywitness.Shehad,foralmosttwoyearsnow,baitedhim.Inthehalls,intheelevator,eveninhisownoffice,intowhichsherompednowandthenlikeacircushorse,shewasconstantlyshoutingthesesillyquestionsathim.Areyouliftingtheoxcartoutoftheditch?Areyoutearingupthepeapatch?Areyouholleringdowntherainbarrel?Areyouscrapingaroundthebottomofthepicklebarrel?Areyousittinginthecatbirdseat?ItwasJoeyHart,oneofMr.Martin'stwoassistants,whohadexplainedwhatthegibberishmeant.ShemustbeaDodgerfan,hehadsaid.RedBarberannouncestheDodgergamesovertheradioandheusesthoseexpressions--picked'emupdownSouth.Joeyhadgoneontoexplainoneortwo.Tearingupthepeapatchmeantgoingonarampage;sittinginthecatbirdseatmeanssittingpretty,likeabatterwiththreeballsandnostrikesonhim.Mr.Martindismissedallthiswithaneffort.Ithadbeenannoying,ithaddrivenhimneartodistraction,buthewastoosolidamantobemovedtomurderbyanythingsochildish.Itwasfortunate,hereflectedashepassedontotheimportantchargesagainstMrs.Barrows,thathehadstoodupunderitsowell.Hehadmaintainedalwaysanoutwardappearanceofpolitetolerance.Why,Ievenbelieveyoulikethewoman,MissPaird,hisotherassistant,hadoncesaidtohim.Hehadsimplysmiled.AgavelrappedinMr.Martin'smindandthecaseproperwasresumed.Mrs.UlgineBarrowsstoodchargedwithwilful,blatant,andpersistentattemptstodestroytheefficiencyandsystemofF&S.Itwascompetent,material,andrelevanttoreviewheradventandrisetopower.Mr.MartinhadgotthestoryfromMissPaird,whoseemedalwaysabletofindthingsout.Accordingtoher,Mrs.BarrowshadmetMr.Fitweilerataparty,whereshehadrescuedhimfromtheembracesofapowerfullybuiltdrunkenmanwhohadmistakenthepresidentofF&SforafamousretiredMiddleWesternfootballcoach.Shehadledhimtoasofaandsomehowworkeduponhimamonstrousmagic.Theageinggentlemanhadjumpedtotheconclusionthereandthenthatthiswasawomanofsingularattainments,equippedtobringoutthebestinhimandinthefirm.AweeklaterhehadintroducedherintoF&Sashisspecialadviser.Onthatdayconfusiongotitsfootinthedoor.AfterMissTyson,Mr.Brundage,andMr.BartletthadbeenfiredandMr.Munsonhadtakenhishatandstalkedout,mailinginhisresignationlater,oldRobertshadbeenemboldenedtospeaktoMr.Fitweiler.HementionedthatMr.Munson'sdepartmenthadbeenalittledisruptedandhadn'ttheyperhapsbetterresumetheoldsystemthere?Mr.Fitweilerhadsaidcertainlynot.HehadthegreatestfaithinMrs.Barrows'ideas.Theyrequirealittleseasoning,alittleseasoning,isall,hehadadded.Mr.Robertshadgivenitup.Mr.MartinreviewedindetailallthechangeswroughtbyMrs.Barrows.Shehadbegunchippingatthecornicesofthefirm'sedificeandnowshewasswingingatthefoundationstoneswithapickaxe.Mr.Martincamenow,inhissummingup,totheafternoonofMonday,November2,1942-justoneweekago.Onthatday,at3P.M.,Mrs.Barrowshadbouncedintohisoffice.Boo!shehadyelled.Areyouscrapingaroundthebottomofthepicklebarrel?Mr.Martinhadlookedatherfromunderhisgreeneye-shade,sayingnothing.Shehadbeguntowanderabouttheoffice,takingitinwithhergreat,poppingeyes.Doyoureallyneedallthesefilingcabinets?shehaddemandedsuddenly.Mr.Martin'shearthadjumped.Eachofthesefiles,hehadsaid,keepinghisvoiceeven,playsanindispensablepartinthesystemofF&S.Shehadbrayedath