WHY-IS-IT-SO-HARD-FOR-MEN-AND-WOMEN-TO-TALK-TO-EAC

1WHYISITSOHARDFORMENANDWOMENTOTALKTOEACHOTHER?IwasaddressingasmallgatheringinasuburbanVirginialivingroom--awomen'sgroupthathadinvitedmentojointhem.Throughouttheevening,onemanhadbeenparticularlytalkative,frequentlyofferingideasandanecdotes,whilehiswifesatsilentlybesidehimonthecouch.Towardtheendoftheevening,Icommentedthatwomenfrequentlycomplainthattheirhusbandsdonottalktothem.Thismanquicklyconcurred.Hegesturedtowardhiswifeandsaid,Sheisthetalkerinourfamily.Theroomburstintolaughter;themanlookedpuzzledandhurt.Itistrue,heexplained.WhenIcomehomefromworkIhavenothingtosay.Ifshedidnotkeeptheconversationgoing,wewouldspendthewholeeveninginsilence.ThisepisodecrystallizestheironythatalthoughAmericanmentendtotalkmorethanwomeninpublicsituations,theyoftentalklessathome.Andthispatterniswreakinghavocwithmarriage.SociologistCatherineKohierRiessman,whoreportedinhernewbookDivorceTalkthatmostofthewomensheinterviewed--butonlyafewofthemen--givethelackofcommunicationasthereasonfortheirdivorces.Inmyownresearch,complaintsfromwomenabouttheirhusbandsmostoftenfocusednotontangibleinequitiessuchashavinggiveupthechanceforacareertoaccompanyahusbandtohis,ordoingfarmorethantheirshareofdailylife.Instead,theyfocusedoncommunication:Hedoesnotlistentome,Hedoesnottalktome.Ifoundthatmostwiveswanttheirhusbandstobe,firstandforemost,conversationalpartners,butfewhusbandssharethisexpectationoftheirwives.Inshort,theimagethatrepresentsthecurrentcrisisisthestereotypicalcartoonsceneofamansittingatthebreakfasttablewithanewspaperheldupinfrontofhisface,whileawomanglaresatthebackofit,wantingtotalk.LinguisticBattleBetweenMenandWomenHowcanwomenandmenhavesuchdifferentimpressionsofcommunicationinmarriage?Whyisthereawidespreadimbalanceintheirinterestsandexpectations?2IntheApril1990issueofAmericanPsychologist,StanfordUniversity'sEleanorMaccobyreportstheresultsofherownandothers'researchshowingthatchildren'sdevelopmentismostinfluencedbythesocialstructureofpeerinteraction.Boysandgirlstendtoplaywithchildrenoftheirowngender,andtheirsex-separategroupshavedifferentorganizationalstructuresandinteractivenorms.Ibelievethatsystematicdifferencesinchildhoodsocializationmaketalkbetweenwomenandmenlikecross-culturalcommunication.Myresearchonmen'sandwomen'sconversationsuncoveredpatternssimilartothosedescribedforchildren'sgroups.Forwomen,asforgirls,intimacyisthefabricoftherelationships,andtalkisthethreadfromitwhichiswoven.Littlegirlscreateandmaintainfriendshipsbyexchangingsecrets;similarly,womenregardconversationasthecornerstoneoffriendship.Soawomanexpectsherhusbandtobeanewandimprovedversionofabestfriend.Whatisimportantisnottheindividualsubjectsthatarediscussedbutthesenseofcloseness,ofalifeshared,thatemergeswhenpeopletelltheirthoughts,feelings,andimpressions.Bondsbetweenboyscanbeasintenseasgirls',buttheyarebasedlessontakingmoreondoingthingstogether.Sincetheydonotassumetalkisthecementthatbindsarelationship,mendonotknowwhatkindoftalkwomenwant,andtheydonotmissitwhenitisnotthere.Boys'groupsarelarger,moreinclusive,andmorehierarchical,soboysmuststruggletoavoidthesubordinatepositioninthegroup.Thismayplayaroleinwomen'scomplaintsonmenwhodonotlistentothem.Oftenwhenwomentellmen,Youarenotlistening,andthemenprotestIam,themenareright.Theimpressionofnotlisteningresultsfrommisalignmentsinthemechanicsofconversation.Thismisalignmentbeginsassoonasamanandawomantakephysicalposition.WhenIstudiedvideotapesmadebypsychologistBruceDorvalofchildrenandadultstalkingtotheirsame-sexbestfriends,Ifoundateveryage,thegirlsandwomenfacedeachotherdirectly,theireyesanchoredoneachother'sfaces.Ateveryage,theboysandmensatatanglestoeachotherandlooked3elsewhereintheroom,periodicallyglancingateachother.Butthetendencyofmentofaceawaycangivewomentheimpressiontheyarenotlisteningevenwhentheyare.Ayoungwomanincollegewasfrustrated:whenevershetoldherboyfriendshewantedtotalktohim,hewouldliedownonthefloor,closehiseyes,andputhisarmsoverhisface.Thissignaledtoher,Heistakinganap.Butheinsistedhewaslisteningextrahard.Normally,helooksaroundtheroom,soheiseasilydistracted.Lyingdownandcoveringhiseyeshelpedhimconcentrateonwhatshewassaying.Switchingtopicsisanotherhabitthatgiveswomentheimpressionmenarenotlistening,especiallyiftheyswitchtoatopicaboutthemselves.Thegirlsinmystudytendedtotalkatlengthaboutonetopic,butboystendedtojumpfromtopictotopic.Mystudyofthe10th-gradechildrenfoundthatwhenagirltoldafriendaboutaproblem,thefriendrespondedbyaskingprobingquestionsandexpressioningagreementandunderstanding.Buttheboysdismissedeachother'sproblems.ToddassuredRichardthathisdrinkingwasnobigproblem.AndwhenToddsaidhefeltleftout,Richardresponded,Whyshouldyou?Youknowmorepeoplethanme.Womenperceivedsuchresponsesasbelittlingandunsupportive.Butboysseemedsatisfiedwiththem.Whereaswomenreassuredeachotherbyimplying,YoushouldnotfeelbadbecauseIhavehadsimilarexperiences,mendosobyimplying,Youshouldnotfeelbadbecauseyourproblemsarenotsobad.Thereareevensimplerreasonsforwomen'simpressionthatmendonotlisten.LinguistLynetteHirschmanfoundthatwomenmakemorelistener-noise,suchasmhm,uhuh,andyea