Why-30-is-not-the-new-20

Why30isnotthenew20MegJayAbouttheTalkClinicalpsychologistMegJayhasaboldmessagefortwentysomethings:Contrarytopopularbelief,your20sarenotathrowawaydecade.Inthisprovocativetalk,Jaysaysthatjustbecausemarriage,workandkidsarehappeninglaterinlife,doesn’tmeanyoucan’tstartplanningnow.Shegives3piecesofadviceforhowtwentysomethingscanre-claimadulthoodinthedefiningdecadeoftheirlives.AbouttheSpeakerInherbookTheDefiningDecade,MegJaysuggeststhatmanytwentysomethingsfeeltrivializedduringwhatisactuallythemosttransformative—anddefining—periodofouradultlives.AbouttheTranscriptWhenIwasinmy20s,Isawmyveryfirstpsychotherapyclient.IwasaPh.D.studentinclinicalpsychologyatBerkeley.Shewasa26-year-oldwomannamedAlex.NowAlexwalkedintoherfirstsessionwearingjeansandabigslouchytop,andshedroppedontothecouchinmyofficeandkickedoffherflatsandtoldmeshewastheretotalkaboutguyproblems.NowwhenIheardthis,Iwassorelieved.Myclassmategotanarsonistforherfirstclient.(Laughter)AndIgotatwentysomethingwhowantedtotalkaboutboys.ThisIthoughtIcouldhandle.ButIdidn'thandleit.WiththefunnystoriesthatAlexwouldbringtosession,itwaseasyformejusttonodmyheadwhilewekickedthecandowntheroad.Thirty'sthenew20,Alexwouldsay,andasfarasIcouldtell,shewasright.Workhappenedlater,marriagehappenedlater,kidshappenedlater,evendeathhappenedlater.TwentysomethingslikeAlexandIhadnothingbuttime.Butbeforelong,mysupervisorpushedmetopushAlexaboutherlovelife.Ipushedback.Isaid,Sure,she'sdatingdown,she'ssleepingwithaknucklehead,butit'snotlikeshe'sgoingtomarrytheguy.Andthenmysupervisorsaid,Notyet,butshemightmarrythenextone.Besides,thebesttimetoworkonAlex'smarriageisbeforeshehasone.That'swhatpsychologistscallanAha!moment.ThatwasthemomentIrealized,30isnotthenew20.Yes,peoplesettledownlaterthantheyusedto,butthatdidn'tmakeAlex's20sadevelopmentaldowntime.ThatmadeAlex's20sadevelopmentalsweetspot,andweweresittingthereblowingit.ThatwaswhenIrealizedthatthissortofbenignneglectwasarealproblem,andithadrealconsequences,notjustforAlexandherlovelifebutforthecareersandthefamiliesandthefuturesoftwentysomethingseverywhere.Thereare50milliontwentysomethingsintheUnitedStatesrightnow.We'retalkingabout15percentofthepopulation,or100percentifyouconsiderthatnoone'sgettingthroughadulthoodwithoutgoingthroughtheir20sfirst.Raiseyourhandifyou'reinyour20s.Ireallywanttoseesometwentysomethingshere.Oh,yay!Y'all'sawesome.Ifyouworkwithtwentysomethings,youloveatwentysomething,you'relosingsleepovertwentysomethings,Iwanttosee—Okay.Awesome,twentysomethingsreallymatter.SoIspecializeintwentysomethingsbecauseIbelievethateverysingleoneofthose50milliontwentysomethingsdeservestoknowwhatpsychologists,sociologists,neurologistsandfertilityspecialistsalreadyknow:thatclaimingyour20sisoneofthesimplest,yetmosttransformative,thingsyoucandoforwork,forlove,foryourhappiness,maybeevenfortheworld.Thisisnotmyopinion.Thesearethefacts.Weknowthat80percentoflife'smostdefiningmomentstakeplacebyage35.Thatmeansthateightoutof10ofthedecisionsandexperiencesandAha!momentsthatmakeyourlifewhatitiswillhavehappenedbyyourmid-30s.Peoplewhoareover40,don'tpanic.Thiscrowdisgoingtobefine,Ithink.Weknowthatthefirst10yearsofacareerhasanexponentialimpactonhowmuchmoneyyou'regoingtoearn.WeknowthatmorethanhalfofAmericansaremarriedorarelivingwithordatingtheirfuturepartnerby30.Weknowthatthebraincapsoffitssecondandlastgrowthspurtinyour20sasitrewiresitselfforadulthood,whichmeansthatwhateveritisyouwanttochangeaboutyourself,nowisthetimetochangeit.Weknowthatpersonalitychangesmoreduringyour20sthanatanyothertimeinlife,andweknowthatfemalefertilitypeaksatage28,andthingsgettrickyafterage35.Soyour20sarethetimetoeducateyourselfaboutyourbodyandyouroptions.Sowhenwethinkaboutchilddevelopment,weallknowthatthefirstfiveyearsareacriticalperiodforlanguageandattachmentinthebrain.It'satimewhenyourordinary,day-to-daylifehasaninordinateimpactonwhoyouwillbecome.Butwhatwehearlessaboutisthatthere'ssuchathingasadultdevelopment,andour20sarethatcriticalperiodofadultdevelopment.Butthisisn'twhattwentysomethingsarehearing.Newspaperstalkaboutthechangingtimetableofadulthood.Researcherscallthe20sanextendedadolescence.Journalistscoinsillynicknamesfortwentysomethingsliketwixtersandkidults.It'strue.Asaculture,wehavetrivializedwhatisactuallythedefiningdecadeofadulthood.LeonardBernsteinsaidthattoachievegreatthings,youneedaplanandnotquiteenoughtime.Isn'tthattrue?Sowhatdoyouthinkhappenswhenyoupatatwentysomethingontheheadandyousay,Youhave10extrayearstostartyourlife?Nothinghappens.Youhaverobbedthatpersonofhisurgencyandambition,andabsolutelynothinghappens.Andtheneveryday,smart,interestingtwentysomethingslikeyouorlikeyoursonsanddaughterscomeintomyofficeandsaythingslikethis:Iknowmyboyfriend'snogoodforme,butthisrelationshipdoesn'tcount.I'mjustkillingtime.Ortheysay,EverybodysaysaslongasIgetstartedonacareerbythetimeI'm30,I'llbefine.Butthenitstartstosoundlikethis:My20sarealmostover,andIhavenothingtoshowformyself.IhadabetterrésuméthedayafterIgraduatedfromcollege.Andthenitstartstosoundlikethis:Datinginmy20swaslikemusicalchairs.Everybodywasrunning