WhyMarriagesFail

WhyMarriagesFailAnneRoipheisanAmericanfeministauthorknownforsuchnovelsasUptheSandboxandLovingkindness.Herworkisno-teworthyforitsexaminationoftheconflictbetweenthedesireforcareerandself-determination婚姻何以失败安妮·罗艾菲安妮·罗艾菲是一位美国女权主义者作家以诸如《主妇狂想曲》和《慈爱》这样的小说而闻名，她的工作里值得注意的是她事业的欲望与自决之间的冲突1.Thesedayssomanymarriagesendindivorcethatourmostsacredvowsnolongerringwithtruth.“Happilyeverafter”and“Tilldeathdouspart”areexpressionsthatseemonthewaytobecomingobsolete.Whyhasitbecomesohardforcouplestostaytogether?Whatgoeswrong?Whathashappenedtousthatclosetoone-halfofallmarriagesaredestinedforthedivorcecourts?Howcouldwehavecreatedasocietyinwhich42percentofoutchildrenwillgrowupinsingle-parenthomes?Ifstatisticscouldonlymeasureloneliness,regret,pain,loseofself-confidence,andfearofthefuture,thenumberswouldbebeyondquantifying.如今，以离婚告终的婚姻如此之多，我们最神圣的誓约听上去都不再真实了。“婚后永远幸福”和“直到死神将我们分开”这类话语似乎快过时了。夫妻长相守何以变得如此困难？哪儿出了问题？我们到底怎么了，竟然有差不多半数的婚姻注定要为离婚走进法庭？有42%的儿童将在单亲家庭中长大，我们怎么把社会弄成这样了呢？如果统计要是能测量孤独、遗憾、痛苦、失去自信、恐惧未来的话，那么这个数字将无法计量。2.Eventhougheachbrokenmarriageisunique,wecanstillfindthecommonperils,thecommoncausesformaritaldespair.Eachmarriagehascrisispointsandeachmarriagetestsendurance,thecapacityforbothintimacyandchange.Outsidepressuressuchasjobloss,illness,infertility,troublewithachild,careofagingparentsandalltheotherplaguesoflifehitmarriagethewayhurricanesblastourshores.Somemarriagessurvivethesestormsandothersdon’t.Marriagesfail,however,notsimplybecauseoftheoutsideweatherbutbecausetheinnerclimatebecomestoohotortoocold,tooturbulentortoostupefying.虽然破裂的婚姻各有其独特的情况，但我们还是能找到致使婚姻无法维持下去的共同因素、共同原因。凡婚姻都有其危机时刻，都要经受对持久力的考验，经受对既能亲密相处又善应对变化这种能力的考验。外部压力，如失业、疾病、不育、抚育孩子、赡养年迈的父母，以及生活中其他种种烦恼，都会如飓风横扫海岸那样对婚姻带来打击。有些婚姻经受住了这些风暴，有些则不然。但婚姻失败并不是简单地由外部天气造成的，而是由于内部气候变得过热或过冷，变得过于狂暴或过于麻木造成的。3.Whenwelookathowwechooseourpartnersandwhatexpectationsexistatthetenderbeginningsofromance,someofthereasonsfordisasterbecomequiteclear.Weallselectwithunconsciousaccuracyamatewhowillrecreatewithustheemotionalpatternsofourfirsthomes.Dr.CarlA.Whitaker,amaritaltherapistandemeritusprofessorofpsychiatryattheUniversityofWisconsin,explains,“Fromearlychildhoodon,eachofuscarriedmodelsformarriage,femininity,masculinity,motherhood,fatherhoodandalltheotherfamilyroles.”Eachofusfallsinlovewithamatewhohasqualitiesofourparents,whowillhelpusrediscoverboththepsychologicalhappinessandmiseriesofourpastlives.WemaythinkwehavefoundamanunlikeDad,butthenheturnstodrinkordrugs,orloseshisjoboverandoveragainorsitssilentlyinfrontoftheTVjustthewayDaddid.Amanmaychooseawomanwhodoesn’tlikekidsjustlikehismotherorwhogamblesawaythefamilysavingsjustlikehismother.Orhemaychooseaslenderwifewhoseemsunlikehisobesemotherbutthenturnsouttohaveotheraddictionsthatdestroytheirmutualhappiness.如果我们来看一下自己如何挑选配偶，看一下在爱情最初的甜蜜阶段有着怎样的期待，婚姻触礁的一些原因便显而易见了。无意中我们都精确地选中了能和我们一起重建我们第一个家庭的情感模式的伴侣。婚姻心理治疗专家、威斯康星大学精神病学荣誉教授卡尔·A·威塔科尔解释说：“从幼年起，我们每一个人心里就对婚姻、女子气质、男子气质、为人母、为人父，以及其他各种家庭角色有了自己的样板。”我们每一个人都爱上具有自己父母气质的伴侣，能帮助我们在心理上重温以往生活中的欢乐与苦难的伴侣。我们或许会以为自己找的男人与爸爸不同，可是到头来，就像爸爸那样，他酗酒，或者吸毒，或者一次又一次失业，或者就像爸爸那样一言不发地坐在电视机前。男人或许会选择一个像自己母亲一样不喜欢孩子的女人，一个像自己母亲一样把家里的钱全都赌光的女人。或者他会选择一个苗条的妻子，与体态臃肿的母亲看上去似乎不一样，可结果发现那女子有其他的嗜好，这就毁了双方的幸福。4.Amanandawomanbringtotheirmarriagebedablendedconcoctionofconsciousandunconsciousmemoriesoftheirparents’livestogether.Thehumanwayistocompulsivelyrepeatandrecreatethepatternsofthepast.SigmundFreudsowelldescribedtheun-happydesignthatmanyofusgettrappedin:theunmetneedsofchildhood,theangryfeelingsleftoverfromfrustrationsoflongago,thelimitsoftrustandtherecurrenceofoldfears.Onceanindividualsensesthisentrapment,theremayfollowayearningtoescape,andtheresultcouldbeabroken,splinteredmarriage.男女双方都把意识到的和未意识到的对父母共同生活的混杂记忆带上婚床。人类总会不由自主地去重复并再现过去的生活模式。西格蒙德·弗洛伊德入木三分地描述了我们许多人所陷入的自设的不幸罗网：童年时期未能满足的欲望，多年前的挫折留下的愤怒情绪，信任受到限制以及旧日恐惧的重现。一个人一旦意识到自己陷入这样的困境，就可能渴望逃脱，其结果可能是婚姻破裂、分崩离析。5.Ofcoursepeoplecanovercomethehabitsandattitudesthatdevelopedinchildhood.Weallhavehiddenstrengthsandamazingcapacitiesforgrowthandcreativechange.Change,however,requireswork—observingyourpartinarottenpattern,bringingdifficultiesoutintotheopen—andworkrunscountertothebasicmythofmarriage:“WhenIwedthispersonallmyproblemswillbeover.IwillhaveachievedsuccessandIwillbecomethecenteroflifeforthisotherpersonandthispersonwillbemycenter,andwewillmeaneverythingtoeachotherforever.”Thismyth,whicheverymarriagerelieson,issoonexposed.Thecomingofchildren,thepullsandtugsoftheirdemandsonaffectionandtime,placeaconsiderablestrainonthatbasicmythofmeaningeverythingtoeachother,ormergingtogetherandsolvingalloflife’sproblems.当然，人们能够改变童年时期养成的习惯和形成的看法。我们都有潜在的活力，都有令人惊叹的能力使自己得以成长和创造性地变化。然而，变化需要有所行动——观察自己在糟糕的模式中的作用，公开遇到的难处——而行动却有悖于关于婚姻的神话：“我与此人结了婚，我所有的烦恼就会烟消云散。到了那时我算是获得成功了，我将成为此人生活的中心，此人也将成为我生活的中心，我们将永远视对方为自己生活的全部。”这一维系所有婚姻的神话不久就被打破。孩子降生了，需要有人爱、需要有人花时间照料，这些拖累在相当程度上打击了那个说什么视对方为自己生活之全部，或者说什么夫妇融为一体解决生活中所有问题的神话。6.Concernandtensionaboutmoneytakeeachpartnerawayfromtheother.Obligationstodemandingparentsorstill-depended-uponparentscreatefurtherstrain.Couplestodaymustalsodealwithalltheculturalchangesbroughtoninrecentyearsbythewomen’smovementandthesexualrevolution