My-daughter-smokes

Mydaughtersmokes.Whilesheisdoingherhomework,herfeetonthebenchinfrontofherandhercalculatorclickingoutanswerstohergeometryproblems,Iamlookingatthehalf-emptypackageofCamelstossedcarelesslycloseathand.Ipickthemup,takethemintothekitchen,wherethelightisbetter,andstudythem—they'refiltered,forwhichIamgrateful.Myheartfeelsterrible.Iwanttoweep.Infact,Idoweepalittle,standingtherebythestoveholdingoneoftheinstruments,sowhite,sopreciselyrolled,thatcouldcausemydaughter'sdeath.WhenshesmokedMarlborosandPlayersIhardenedmyselfagainstfeelingsobad;nobodyIkneweversmokedthesebrands.Shedoesn'tknowthis,butitwasCamelsthatmyfather,hergrandfather,smoked.Butbeforehesmokedcigarettesmadebymanufacturers—whenhewasveryyoungandverypoor,withglowingeyes—hesmokedPrinceAlberttobaccoincigarettesherolledhimself.Irememberthebright-redtobaccotin,withapictureofQueenVictoria'spartner,PrinceAlbert,dressedinablackdresscoatandcarryingacane.Bythelatefortiesandearlyfiftiesnoonerolledhisownanymore(andfewwomensmoked)inmyhometownofEatonton,Georgia.Thetobaccoindustry,coupledwithHollywoodmoviesinwhichbothmaleandfemaleheroessmokedlikechimneys,completelywonoverpeoplelikemyfather,whowerehopelesslyhookedbycigarettes.HeneverlookedasfashionableasPrinceAlbert,though;hecontinuedtolooklikeapoor,overweight,hard-workingcoloredmanwithtoolargeafamily,black,withaverywhitecigarettestuckinhismouth.Idonotrememberwhenhestartedtocough.Perhapsitwasunnoticeableatfirst,alittlecoughinginthemorningashelithisfirstcigaretteupongettingoutofbed.BythetimeIwassixteen,mydaughter'sage,hisbreathwasawheeze,embarrassingtohear;hecouldnotclimbstairswithoutrestingeverythirdorfourthstep.Itwasnotunusualforhimtocoughforanhour.Myfatherdiedfromthepoorman'sfriend,pneumonia,onehardwinterwhenhislungillnesseshadlefthimlow.Idoubthehadmuchlungleftatall,aftercoughingforsomanyyears.Hehadsolittlebreaththat,duringhislastyears,hewasalwaysleaningonsomething.Irememberedonce,atafamilyreunion,whenmydaughterwastwo,thatmyfatherpickedherupforaminute—longenoughformetophotographthem—buttheeffortwasobvious.Neartheveryendofhislife,andlargelybecausehehadnomorelungs,hequitsmoking.Hegainedacoupleofpounds,butbythenhewassoslimthatnoonenoticed.WhenItraveltoThirdWorldcountriesIseemanypeoplelikemyfatheranddaughter.Therearelargeadvertisementsignsdirectedatthemboth:thetough,confidentorfashionableolderman,thebeautiful,worldlyyoungwoman,bothdraggingaway.Inthesepoorcountries,asinAmericaninnercitiesandonreservations,moneythatshouldbespentforfoodgoesinsteadtothetobaccocompanies;overtime,peoplestarvethemselvesofbothfoodandair,effectivelyweakeningandhookingtheirchildren,eventuallykillingthemselves.Ireadinthenewspaperandinmygardeningmagazinethattheendsofcigarettesaresopoisonousthatifababyswallowsone,itislikelytodie,andthattheboiledwaterfromabunchofthemmakesaneffectiveinsecticide.ThereisadeephurtthatIfeelasamother.Somedaysitisafeelingofuselessness.IrememberhowcarefullyIatewhenIwaspregnant,howpatientlyItaughtmydaughterhowtocrossastreetsafely.Forwhat,Isometimeswonder;sothatshecanstruggletobreathethroughmostofherlifefeelinghalfherstrength,andthendieofself-poisoning,ashergrandfatherdid?Thereisaquotationfromabatteredwomen'sshelterthatIespeciallylike:Peaceonearthbeginsathome.Ibelieveeverythingdoes.Ithinkofaquotationforpeopletryingtostopsmoking:Everyhomeisano-smokingzone.Smokingisaformofself-batteringthatalsobattersthosewhomustsitby,occasionallyjokeorcomplain,andhelplesslywatch.IrealizenowthatasachildIsatby,throughtheyears,andliterallywatchedmyfatherkillhimself:Surelyonesuchvictoryinmyfamily,fortheprosperousleaderswhoownthetobaccocompanies,isenough.