2013届高三英语书面表达专题指导、练讲及习作评析(第三部分考场习作评析)(4)

第三部分2013届高考英语书面表达考场习作评析（四）试题来源：江苏省石庄高级中学2013届书面表达指导与练习•请你根据下列这幅图写一篇英语短文。要求：•1.描述图画；•2.就图画所反映的内容进行评论或提出自己的建议；•3.词数：150左右。这是我们仿照北京市高考所出的题目。跟北京卷不同的是本书面表达要求词数达到150左右。同时考生可以按照半开放式作文的方法进行写作，也可以按照开放式作文的方法进行写作。我们这儿所选的考场习作为开放式的。【考场习作】•(1)Thisisavividpicture,whichconveysthought-provokingmessages.(2)Inthepicture,severalfactorychimneysstand,fromwhichcloudsofthickblacksmokearebeinggivenoff.(3)Thenamanwanderingaroundthefactorywithacigaretteinhismouth,feelsconfusedwhenhenoticedthenon-smokingsignonthewall.(4)Hewonderedwhywhatthefactorydoesdoesn’tagreewithwhatitsays?•(5)It’sfunnythatthefactoryisproducingthicksmokewhilesmokingisforbiddenthere.(6)Comparedtotheamountofsmokegivenoffbythefactory,thecigarettesmokeisnothingatall.(7)However,actuallythereexistquiteafewpeoplewhoonlyknowhowtorestrictothersinsteadofthemselves,whichishardtoconvinceothers.(8)Asanoldsayinggoes“sweepbeforeyourowndoor”.(9)Thereforewemustbestrictwithourselvesbeforewearestrictwithothers.(10)Onlyinthiswaycanwebuildupaharmonioussociety.【习作评析】•在评析考生考场习作之前，先让我们来看一看该书面表达的最基本的要点是什么。•1.描述图片内容•2.自己的评论•【总体评价】•全文共10句154字。描述图片内容不仅全面，还为自己的评论打下了伏笔。评论也做到了有理有利有节。比较好地完成了题目所规定的任务。阅卷老师判分为21分（满分为25分）。【习作的亮点】•1.习作根据作者自身水平较多使用了复合句。全文共有七句为复合句。充分显示了作者在写议论文方面的扎实的基本功。•(1)Thisisavividpicture,whichconveysthought-provokingmessages.•(2)Inthepicture,severalfactorychimneysstand,fromwhichcloudsofthickblacksmokearebeinggivenoff.•(3)Thenamanwanderingaroundthefactorywithacigaretteinhismouth,feelsconfusedwhenhenoticedthenon-smokingsignonthewall.•(4)Hewonderedwhywhatthefactorydoesdoesn’tagreewithwhatitsays?•(5)It’sfunnythatthefactoryisproducingthicksmokewhilesmokingisforbiddenthere.•(7)However,actuallythereexistquiteafewpeoplewhoonlyknowhowtorestrictothersinsteadofthemselves,whichishardtoconvinceothers.•(8)Asanoldsayinggoes“sweepbeforeyourowndoor”.•2.高级词汇的使用较多•vivid•生动的•thought-provoking•发人深省的•Forbid•禁止•Exist•有，存在•Restrict•限制•Convince•使信服•buildup•建立•Harmonious•和谐的•3.句子结构颇为复杂，如果你不仔细揣摩，就有可能认为是错句。•如：(4)Hewonderedwhywhatthefactorydoesdoesn’tagreewithwhatitsays?•本句含有三个从句：•一是Hewonderedwhy...宾语从句；•二是whatthefactorydoes主语从句；•三是whatitsays宾语从句。•doesn’tagreewith是why...宾语从句中谓语。•本句意思是：他很纳闷，这家工厂为什么言行不•一呢。•4.运用对比的手法，增加了文章感染力和说服力。•如：(5)It’sfunnythatthefactoryisproducingthicksmokewhilesmokingisforbiddenthere.•本句用一个“while”表示了强烈的对比。•本句的意思是：这家工厂一边排放着浓烟，而一边又要禁止人们抽烟，真是滑稽可笑。•紧接着又用对比的手法：•(6)Comparedtotheamountofsmokegivenoffbythefactory,thecigarettesmokeisnothingatall.来进一步增强文章的感染力。•5.谚语的使用彰显了主题。•Asanoldsayinggoes“sweepbeforeyourowndoor”.“正如谚语所说的那样：正人先正己”不但引起了下文而且突出了本文的主题。•6.最后一句使用了倒装句给全文也增色不少。•Onlyinthiswaycanwebuildupaharmonioussociety.•只有这样我们才能建立一个和谐的社会。【习作的缺点】•1.动词时态运用上有错误•本篇书面表达所使用的时态应该是现在时。习作在描述图画时，却犯了致命的错误。第（3）（4）两句时态运用上混乱。而且又是在第一段，这样给阅卷老师留下了很不好的印象。如果阅卷老师不耐心继续看下去的话，恐怕这位考生的习作得分数最多不会超过17分。•(3)Thenamanwanderingaroundthefactorywithacigaretteinhismouth,feelsconfusedwhenhenoticesthenon-smokingsignonthewall.•(4)Hewonders/iswonderingwhywhatthefactorydoesdoesn’tagreewithwhatitsays?•2.本习作运用的复杂句过多，不仅给人以故弄玄虚之嫌，而且使文章过于呆板，显得不是那么错落有致。•根据以上两点我们将习作修改如下：•Thisisavividpicture,whichconveysthought-provokingmessages.Inthepicture,severalchimneysinthefactoryaregivingoffcloudsofthickblacksmoke.Ayoungpassingbythefactorywithacigaretteinhismouth,feelsconfusedwhenhenoticesthenon-smokingsignonthewall.Heiswonderingwhywhatthefactorydoesdoesn’tagreewithwhatitsays?•It’sfunnythatthefactoryisproducingthicksmokewhilesmokingisforbiddenthere.Comparedtotheamountofsmokegivenoffbythefactory,smokingisnothingatall.However,actuallythereexistquiteafewpeoplewhoonlyknowhowtorestrictothersinsteadofthemselves,whichishardtoconvinceothers.Asanoldsayinggoes“sweepbeforeyourowndoor”.Thereforewemustbestrictwithourselvesbeforewearestrictwithothers.Onlyinthiswaycanwebuildupaharmonioussociety.参考答案1(评论式)•Thisisafunnyandinstructivepicture.Inthepicture,ayoungmanissmokinghappilyinafactorywhenheseesasignwhichmeans“Nosmoking”onthewall.Buthefindsthatthefactoryisgivingofflargequantitiesofheavysmokewhichmakeshimfeelverypuzzled,“Whydoesthefactoryforbidpeopletosmokewhileititselfgivesoffsomuchpoisonoussmoke?”•Whatthepictureabovereflectsisacommonphenomenonwhichshouldbetakenintoconsideration.Inourdailylife,somepeoplemakerulestorestrictothersbutonthecontrary,theyoftenbreaktherules.Forexample,parentsurgetheirkidsnottoplayelectronicgameswhiletheyoftenplaythemevenwhentheyarehavingmeals.Shouldn’tparentssetanexampletotheirkids?•Nowadays,thereexistquiteafewpeoplewhoarestrictwithothers,yettoleranttothemselves.Anditishardtoconvinceothers.Soinmyopinion,onlyifweshouldbemorestrictwithourselveswillwequalifyforaskingothersformuch.参考答案2(建议式)•Thisisafunnyandinstructivepicture.Inthepicture,ayoungmanissmokinghappilyinafactorywhenheseesasignwhichmeans“Nosmoking”onthewall.Buthefindsthatthefactoryisgivingofflargequantitiesofheavysmokewhichmakeshimfeelverypuzzled,“Whydoesthefactoryforbidpeopletosmokewhilethefactoryitselfemitssomuchpoisonoussmoke?”•Nowadays,manyfactoriesknowthedangerofsmokingtothemselvesanddon’tallowpeoplesmokinginthefactory.However,theydon’tpayanyattentiontothedangerthattheycausetothewholeso