《Friends》剧本(共十季)

1《Friends》剧本（第一季）101TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate(ThePilot-TheUncutVersion)[Scene:CentralPerk,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarethere.]Monica:There'snothingtotell!He'sjustsomeguyIworkwith!Joey:C'mon,you'regoingoutwiththeguy!There'sgottabesomethingwrongwithhim!Chandler:AllrightJoey,benice.Sodoeshehaveahump?Ahumpandahairpiece?Phoebe:Wait,doesheeatchalk?(Theyallstare,bemused.)Phoebe:Just,'cause,Idon'twanthertogothroughwhatIwentthroughwithCarl-oh!Monica:Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.It'sjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinnerand-nothavingsex.Chandler:Soundslikeadatetome.[TimeLapse]Chandler:Alright,soI'mbackinhighschool,I'mstandinginthemiddleofthecafeteria,andIrealizeIamtotallynaked.All:Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.Chandler:ThenIlookdown,andIrealizethere'saphone...there.Joey:Insteadof...?Chandler:That'sright.Joey:Neverhadthatdream.Phoebe:No.Chandler:Allofasudden,thephonestartstoring.NowIdon'tknowwhattodo,everybodystartslookingatme.Monica:Andtheyweren'tlookingatyoubefore?!Chandler:Finally,IfigureI'dbetteranswerit,anditturnsoutit'smymother,whichisvery-veryweird,because-shenevercallsme![TimeLapse,Rosshasentered.]Ross:(mortified)Hi.Joey:Thisguysayshello,Iwannakillmyself.Monica:Areyouokay,sweetie?Ross:Ijustfeellikesomeonereacheddownmythroat,grabbedmysmallintestine,pulleditoutofmymouthandtieditaroundmyneck...Chandler:Cookie?Monica:(explainingtotheothers)Carolmovedherstuffouttoday.Joey:Ohh.Monica:(toRoss)Letmegetyousomecoffee.2Ross:Thanks.Phoebe:Ooh!Oh!(ShestartstopluckattheairjustinfrontofRoss.)Ross:No,nodon't!Stopcleansingmyaura!No,justleavemyauraalone,okay?Phoebe:Fine!Bemurky!Ross:I'llbefine,alright?Really,everyone.Ihopeshe'llbeveryhappy.Monica:Noyoudon't.Ross:NoIdon't,tohellwithher,sheleftme!Joey:Andyouneverknewshewasalesbian...Ross:No!!Okay?!Whydoeseveryonekeepfixatingonthat?Shedidn'tknow,howshouldIknow?Chandler:SometimesIwishIwasalesbian...(Theyallstareathim.)DidIsaythatoutloud?Ross:Itoldmomanddadlastnight,theyseemedtotakeitprettywell.Monica:Ohreally,sothathystericalphonecallIgotfromawomanatsobbing3:00A.M.,I'llneverhavegrandchildren,I'llneverhavegrandchildren.waswhat?Awrongnumber?Ross:Sorry.Joey:AlrightRoss,look.You'refeelingalotofpainrightnow.You'reangry.You'rehurting.CanItellyouwhattheansweris?(Rossgestureshisconsent.)Joey:Stripjoint!C'mon,you'resingle!Havesomehormones!Ross:Idon'twanttobesingle,okay?Ijust...Ijust-Ijustwannabemarriedagain!(Rachelentersinawetweddingdressandstartstosearchtheroom.)Chandler:AndIjustwantamilliondollars!(Heextendshishandhopefully.)Monica:Rachel?!Rachel:OhGodMonicahi!ThankGod!Ijustwenttoyourbuildingandyouweren'tthereandthenthisguywithabighammersaidyoumightbehereandyouare,youare!Waitress:CanIgetyousomecoffee?Monica:(pointingatRachel)De-caff.(toAll)Okay,everybody,thisisRachel,anotherLincolnHighsurvivor.(toRachel)Thisiseverybody,thisisChandler,andPhoebe,andJoey,and-youremembermybrotherRoss?Rachel:Hi,sure!Ross:Hi.(TheygotohugbutRoss'sumbrellaopens.Hesitsbackdowndefeatedagain.AmomentofsilencefollowsasRachelsitsandtheothersexpecthertoexplain.)Monica:Soyouwannatellusnow,orarewewaitingforfourwetbridesmaids?Rachel:OhGod...well,itstartedaboutahalfhourbeforethewedding.Iwasintheroomwherewewerekeepingallthepresents,andIwaslookingatthisgravyboat.ThisreallygorgeousLamaugegravyboat.Whenallofasudden-(tothewaitressthatbroughthercoffee)Sweet'n'Lo?-IrealizedthatIwasmoreturnedonbythisgravyboatthanbyBarry!AndthenIgotreallyfreakedout,andthat'swhenithitme:howmuchBarrylookslikeMr.PotatoHead.Y'know,Imean,Ialwaysknewlookedfamiliar,but...Anyway,Ijusthadtoget3outofthere,andIstartedwondering'WhyamIdoingthis,andwhoamIdoingthisfor?'.(toMonica)SoanywayIjustdidn'tknowwheretogo,andIknowthatyouandIhavekindadriftedapart,butyou'retheonlypersonIknewwholivedhereinthecity.Monica:Whowasn'tinvitedtothewedding.Rachel:Ooh,Iwaskindahopingthatwouldn'tbeanissue...[Scene:Monica'sApartment,everyoneisthereandwatchingaSpanishSoaponTVandaretryingtofigureoutwhatisgoingon.]Monica:NowI'mguessingthatheboughtherthebigpipeorgan,andshe'sreallynothappyaboutit.Chandler:(imitatingthecharacters)Tunaoreggsalad?Decide!Ross:(inadeepvoice)I'llhavewhateverChristineishaving.Rachel:(onphone)Daddy,Ijust...Ican'tmarryhim!I'msorry.Ijustdon'tlovehim.Well,itmatterstome!(ThesceneonTVhaschangedtoshowtwowomen,oneisholdingherhair.)Phoebe:IfIletgoofmyhair,myheadwillfalloff.Chandler:(reTV)Ooh,sheshouldnotbewearingthosepants.Joey:Isaypushherdownthestairs.Phoebe,Ross,Chandler,andJoey:Pushherdownthestairs!Pushherdownthestairs!Pushherdownthestairs!(Sheispusheddownthestairsandeveryonecheers.)Rachel:C'monDaddy,listentome!It'slike,it'slike,allofmylife,everyonehasalwaystoldme,'You'reashoe!You'reashoe,you'reashoe,you'reashoe!'.AndtodayIjuststoppedandIsaid,'WhatifIdon'twannabeashoe?WhatifIwannabea-apurse,y'know?Ora-orahat!No,I'mnotsayingIwantyoutobuymeahat,I'msayingIamaha-It'sametaphor,Daddy!Ross:Youcanseewherehe'dhavetrouble.Rachel:LookDaddy,it'smylife.WellmaybeI'lljuststayherewithMonica.Monica:Well,Iguesswe'veestablishedwho'sstayingherewithMonica...Rachel:Well,maybethat'smydecisi