课文

MATRICULATIONFIXATIONMatriculationfixationTwoyearsago,IwaslanguishinginthewaitingroomofaPhiladelphiahospitalwhenacompletestrangerunexpectedlybegantellingmeabouthisdaughter'scollegeplans.Asmy79-year-oldmotherwasrecoveringfrommajorsurgerythatafternoon,Icouldnotgivehimmycompleteandundividedattention.Butasthebriefingsessionworeon,Ididmanagetogarnermostoftherelevantdetails.Thegirl,brightbutnotbrilliant,hadbeenacceptedtoafirst-tieruniversitywithoutfinancialaidbuthadalsobeenacceptedtoalocal,second-echelonuniversitywhereshewaspromisedafreeride.Moneybeingtight,withothercollege-boundchildreninthefamilyqueue,themanhadpersuadedhisdaughtertoaccepttheseconduniversity'soffer.Nowhewasworriedthatshewouldonedayruethisdecision.Becauseshewouldbegraduatingfromalessprestigiousinstitution,fewercontactswouldbemadeandfewerdoorswouldbeopened.Herdegreewouldputherwithinstrikingdistanceoftheyellowbrickroad,butnotphysicallyontheroaditself.DidthismakeherfatherthespawnofSatan?Asamanoftheworldaccustomedtobeingtoldthemostintimatedetailsaboutcompletestrangers'marriages,careersandhobbies,Ihadlongagoacquiredtherequisiteskillstomediatethiscrisis.Itoldthemanthatmanyofmyhighschoolchumshadgraduatedfromthesecond-tieruniversityinquestionandhadgoneontoliverich,fulllives.ItoldhimthatImyselfhadgraduatedfromasecond-echelonPhiladelphiauniversitynotunliketheonehisdaughterwasentering,andhadmanagedtocarveoutanicelittlenicheformyself.Itoldhimthatmycollegedayshadbeenamongthehappiestofmylife,thatthesunneversetwithoutmythankingGodfortheilluminationandinspirationprovidedbymytalented,dedicatedprofessors.Pressedforbiographicaldata,IexplainedthatIwasafreelancewriter,tickedoffalistofmycredentialsandsaidIwasprettyhappywiththewaymycareerhadturnedout.Themanhadneverheardofme,hadneverreadanythingI'dwritten.Thoughhetriedtofeigninterestinmypatheticcurriculumvitae,Icouldseethathewasdevastated.Byfollowinganacademicpathsimilartomine,hisdaughter,whowasalsoplanningacareerinjournalism,wasgoingtoendupasbigafailureasI.Ineverdidfindoutwhyhewasvisitingthehospital.Imentionthisincidentbecauseitillustratestheneuroticgabbinessthatafflictsparentswhenitcomestimetosendtheirchildrentocollege.IknowwhereofIspeak.Nextfall,mydaughtergoestocollege.Threeyearslatermysonwillfollowsuit.Iwillbesorrytoseethemgo;overtheyearstheyhaveprovedtoberemarkablyamusing.Buteverydarkcloudhasasilverlining.Oncemychildrenhaveleftthehouse,Iwillneveragainhavetoparticipateinamind-numbingdiscussionaboutwheremychildrenormyfriends'childrenormyneighbors'childrenaregoingtocollege,andwhy.Onthissubject,Iamcompletelytappedout.Thislackofinterestdoesnotstemfrompureselfishnessorunalloyedcontemptforotherpeople'soffspring.Rather,IfeelthiswaybecauseIfindalmostallconversationsaboutthecollegeselectionprocesstobebanal,self-aggrandizing,self-flagellatoryorpunitive.I'drathertalkaboutcribbage.Themostinfuriatingconversationistheonewheretheparentclearlyseeksadecisive,career-validatingmomentofemotionalclosure.Suchindividualsbelievethatsecuringadmissiontoatop-flightuniversityprovidesachildwithanirrevocablepassporttosuccess,guaranteeingalifeofuninterruptedeconomicmirth.ParentssuchastheseupwardlymobilechuckleheadsexudeanalmostPrussianbelligerencewhenannouncingtheirchildren'sdestinations,congratulatingthemselvesonajobwelldone,whileissuingasottovocetaunttoparentsofthelessgifted.Forthem,thehardpartofchildrearingisnowover.Juniorwenttotherightprepschool,madetherightfriends,signedupfortherightactivitiesandisnowheadedfortherightschool.NowwecangettheheckoutofhereandmovetoTuscany.Butinreality,lifedoesn'tendatage17.Or21.Inreallife,somechildrengetthefinesteducationsbutstillbecomefirst-classscrew-ups.Myownprofessionisfilledwithpeoplewhowenttotherightschoolbutendedupinthewrongcareer.(Theyshouldhavebeenflacks;thephoneringinginthenextroomisnotandneverwillbethePulitzercommittee.)Someofthoseboysandgirlsmostlikelytosucceedaregoingtoenduponwelfareorskidrow.Atwhichpointthey'llneedparentalinput.Orcash.Aparent'sresponsibilitydoesn'tendoncethekidsleave.Aparent'sresponsibilityneverends.That'swhyNaturegivesyouthejob.Asecond,farmorenumerousclassofobsessivesconsistsofpeoplewhosuddenlyrealizethattheirBrandXchildrenaren'tgoingtomakethecut.Seventeenyearsofunreadtextbooks,unvisitedmuseumsanduntakenA.P.coursesarenowfinallytakingtheirtoll,andthosegrandiosedelivery-roomdreamsofAmherst,BardandDukearesuddenlygoingupinsmoke.Bashfully,shamefacedly,miserably,theseparentsnowmumblethenamesoftheglamourlessinstitutionstheirprogenyareskulkingoffto.Invariably,theyarecollegesyouneverheardofintownsnoonewantstovisitinstateswhosecapitalsonlyrepeatwinnerson''Jeopardy''canname.Themarkethasspoken,theglumparentalexpressionsseemtosay.Mychildisanidiot.Butonceagain,realityhasawayofupsettingtheworst-laidplansofmiceandMensa.Somekidsarelatebloomers.Somekidsarebetteroffinalesscompetitiveenvironment.Lotsofpeopleachievehugesuccessinthissocietywithoutadegreefromaprestigiousuniversity.Justbecauseyourchildhasfailedtoclearthefirst,oreventhe20th,hurdledoesn'tmeanyoushoulddisownhim.Matissedidn'tgetrollinguntilhe