Unit-One-Coping-with-the-Compliment

UnitOneCopingwiththeComplimentH.AllenSmithIhavenevercultivatedamustache,thoughI’msureonewouldenhancemydistinguishedlooksandcausewomentogiggleasIpassedalongtheboulevard.ThereasonisIcan’triskit,becauseevenalittlemustacheisadangerousthing.Itinvitescompliments.Ifaladycameuptome,forexample,andsaid,“Youhavethemostcharmingmustache,”Iwouldn’tknowhowtorespond.ImightbethrownintosuchapanicthatI’dblurtout,”Ilikeyours,too.”Itisoneoftheparadoxesofsocialintercoursethatacomplimentismuchhardertorespondtothananinsult.Hereisanareaofsmalltalkwheremostofuseactawkwardly.Someoneuttersapleasing,praiseremarkinourdirectionandwegrowinarticulateandourkneecapsbegintovibrate.Ican’tevenacceptwithgraceacomplimentbestoweduponmeforathingthatisn’treallymine.Iliveonahilloverlookingawidevalley.Visitorsexclaim:”My!Whataterrificviewyouhavehere!”Thereitliesoutthere,thewholevalley.Ididn’tdoit.Itdoesn’tbelongtome.YetIrespondwithasicklysmile,“Oh,itisn’tmuch–justalotofoldrealestate.”ThenearestIevercametodownrightacceptanceofthisparticularcomplimentwasthetimeIsaid,“Well,welikeit.”Thisisaresponsethatshouldbeusedwithcaution.Tosayofathing,”Well,welikeit.”istoimplythatalotofotherpeoplethinkitdisgusting.NotlongagoIwasinagroupwhereageophysicistformAustraliawastalkingeloquentlyaboutthewondersoftheuniverse.“Thisearthweliveon,”hesaid,“thisgreat,vibrant,spinningearth,isacollectionofincrediblemarvels.”Therewasalongpause,andthen,carriedawaybythevastnessofhiscomplimentaryremark,awomansaid,“Well,welikeit.”Ithinkwemakeamistakewhenwereacttoacomplimentwithdenialandderogation.“Whatastunninggown!”yourfriendsays.”Oh,thisoldrag!”yourespond.Thesituationhereismuchthesameastheoneregardingmyview.Youhavenorighttofeelashamedorangryoverpraisedirectedatyourgown–unlessithappensthatyoustitcheditupyourself.Youwouldbebetteroffifyou’djustsaysomethinglike,“Ihadtofist-fightanotherwomaninMacy’sbasementtogetpossessionofit.”Orbetteryet,“Myhusbandpickeditoutforme.”Iknowamanwhohasputhismindtothisproblemandcomeupwithatechniqueforbrushingoffpraise.Heemploysasortofunreasonablerealism.OneeveningIoverheardawomansaytohim,“Whatpowerfulshouldersyouhave!”Withoutblinkinganeye,heanswered,“Three-fourthswater.Mybodyisthree-fourthswater,thereforemyshouldersarethree-fourthswaterandanythingthat’sthree-fourthswatercouldn’tactuallybeverypowerful.”Thewell-intentionedwomanwentawaywithafurrowedbrowandwhisperingtoherself.Idon’tthinkthisfellowisontherighttrack.Manyofustrytoturnacomplimentwithaquip.“I’vebeenhearingaboutyouforyears,”someonesaysglowingly.”Nothinggood,Ihope,”isthestandardreply.Thissortofthing,thewittyreply,oughttobeplacedundergovernmentregulation.MaybeI’mappalledbyitforthereasonthatI’msoineptatitmyself.RecentlyIheardayoungmantellagirlthatshepossessedthesameetherealbeautyasGretaGarbo.”Flatterywillgetyoueverywhere,”sheresponded.Thatone,Ithought,wasmorethanpassable.Butforeverygenuinelycleverretortthereareathousandthatfallflat.IttakesaDorothyParkeroraGeorgeS.Kaufmantohandlethequipcomebackwithskill.Artistsandauthorsfaceaspecialproblem.Whenanewautomobilecomesofftheassemblyline,thepeopleresponseforitcancallinoutsiders,pointtotheproduct,swellouttheirchestsandsay,“Isn’tsheabeauty?”notsoamanwhopaintsapictureorwritesabookorcomposesasymphony.“Thatlastsonnetofyours,Ploffer,”saysthepoet’sfriend,”thatwasajim-dandyjob,anditrhymedgood.”Ploffer,inhispoeticheart,isinfullagreementwiththisverdictbuthecan’tsayso.”Oh,reallynow,”heprotests,”youknowverywellthatthecadencefellapartinthesestet.”Beingtheauthorofastackofbooks,Ihaveonoccasionbeenexposedtothissituation.“Thatnewbookofyours,”someonemaysay,”Ifounditveryentertaining.”ItseemstomethatIshouldbepermittedtoreply,”Well,I’mgladsomebodylikedit–Iworkedlikeadogtogetitwritten.”Or,“Ithoughtitwasgood,too.”Butno.Theunwrittencodeofauthorhoodcompelsmetosay,ineffect,“Youmustbeapersonofexecrableliteraryjudgement.”Insearchingforatechniquetocopewithcompliments,Ihaveturnedtochildren.Theveryyoungareofnohelp.Saytooneofthem,”My,whatafinelittleboyyouare!”Whatdoeshedo?Heracesaroundtheroom,rollshiseyesinanalarmingwayandramshistongueoutofthesideofhismouth.IcoulddothatsortofthingbutIdon’tthinkitwouldbeacceptedsocially.Ortryacomplimentonalittlegirl.“Whataprettydress!”youexclaim.Instantlyshepullsituptopointoutthatherpetticoatisevenprettier,andthenshepullsthepetticoattoshowyouthatherpantieseventheprettiestofall.Thissortofprocedurewouldhardlyworkinadultsociety.IthoughtforawhileImightlearnsomethingfromtheSpanish-speakingpeople,themostconversationallyadroitpeopleonearth.Saytooneofthem,“ThisisthemostbeautifulhouseI’veeverbeenin,”andheresponds,“Itismadeimmeasurablymorebeautifulbyyourlovelypresence.”Youareleftstandingtherewithimmeasurablelovelyeggonyourface.Thereisnopointintryingtoplaythegamebackatthem–they’lltopyouintheend,nomatterwhat.Onethingisclear:atthebottomofallgracefulsocialintercourseliespoise.ElizaW.Farrar,whowroteoneofAmerica’searliestbooksonetiquette,illustratedtheimportanceofpoisewhenshetoldofanelegantNewEnglanddinnerpartyatwhichthehostwascarvingagoose.Thebirdgotawayfromhim,shotoutofthedishandl