Why-Marriages-fail

1WhyMarriagesfailAnneRoipheAnneRoipheisanAmericanfeministauthorknownforsuchnovelsasUptheSandboxandLovingkindness.Herworkisnoteworthyforitsexaminationoftheconflictbetweenthedesireforfamilyandrelationshipandthatforcareerandself-determination.1.Thesedayssomanymarriagesendindivorcethatourmostsacredvowsnolongerringwithtruth.“Happilyeverafter”and“Tilldeathusdopart”areexpressionsthatseemonthewaytobecomingobsolete.Whyhasitbecomesohardforcouplestostaytogether?Whatgoeswrong?Whathashappenedtousthatclosetoonehalfofallmarriagesaredestinedforthedivorcecourts?Howcouldwehavecreatedasocietyinwhich42percentofourchildrenwillgrowupinsingle-parenthomes?Ifstatisticscouldonlymeasureloneliness,regret,pain,loseofself-confidence,andfearofthefuture,thenumberswouldbebeyondquantifying.2.Eventhougheachbrokenmarriageisunique,wecanstillfindcommonperils,commoncauseofmaritaldespair.Eachmarriagehasacrisispointandeachmarriagetestsendurance,thecapacityforbothintimacyandchange.Outsidepressuressuchasjobloss,illness,infertility,troublewithachild,careofagingparents,andalltheotherplaguesoflifehitmarriagesthewayhurricanesblastourshores.Somemarriagessurvivethesestorms,andothersdon’t.Marriagesfail,however,notsimplybecauseoftheoutsideweatherbutbecausetheinnerclimatebecomestoohotortoocold,tooturbulentortoostupefying.3.Whenwelookathowwechooseourpartnersandwhatexpectationsexistatthetenderbeginningofromance,someofthereasonsforthedisasterbecomequiteclear.Weallselectwithunconsciousaccuracyamatewhowillrecreatewithustheemotionalpatternofourfirsthomes.Dr.CartA.Whitaker,amaritaltherapistandemeritusprofessorofpsychiatryattheUniversityofWisconsin,explains,“Fromearlychildhoodon,eachofuscarriedmodelsformarriage,femininity,masculinity,motherhood,fatherhoodandalltheotherfamilyroles.“Eachofusfallsinlovewithamatewhohasqualitiesofourparents,whowillhelpusrediscoverboththepsychologicalhappinessandmiseriesofourpastlives.WemaythinkwehavefoundamanunlikeDad,buttheheturnstodrinkordrugs,orlosehisjoboverandoveragain,orsitssilentlyinfrontoftheTVjustthewayDaddid.Amanmanychooseawomanwhodoesn’tlikekidsjustlikehismother,orwhogambleswaysthefamilysavingjustlikehismother,orhemaychooseaslenderwifewhoseemsunlikehisobesemotherbuthenturnsouttohaveotheraddictionsthatdestroytheirmutualhappiness.4.Amanandawomanbringtotheirmarriagebedablendedconcoctionofconsciousandunconsciousmemoriesoftheirparents’livestogether.Thehumanwayistocompulsivelyrepeatandrecreatethepatternsofthepast.SigmundFreudsowelldescribedtheunhappydesignthatmanyofusgettrappedin:theunmetneedsofchildhood,theangryfeelingsleftoverfromfrustrationoflongago,thelimitsoftrust,andthereoccurrenceofoldfears.Onceanindividualsensesthisentrapment,theremayfollowayearningtoescape,andtheresultcouldbeabroken,splinteredmarriage.5.Ofcoursepeoplecanovercomethehabitsandattitudesthatdevelopedinchildhood.Weallhavehiddenstrengthsandamazingcapacitiesforgrowthandcreativechange.Change,however,requireswork---observingyourpartinarottenpattern,bringingdifficultiesoutintotheopen---andworkrunscountertothebasicmythofmarriage:“WhenIwedthispersonallmyproblems2willbeover.IwillhaveachievedsuccessandIwillbecomethecenteroflifeforthisotherpersonandthispersonwillbemycenter,andwewillmeaneverythingtoeachotherforever.”Thismyth,whicheverymarriagerelieson,issoonexposed.Thecomingofchildren,thepullandtugsoftheirdemandsonaffectionandtime,placeaconsiderablestrainonthatbasicmythofmeaningeverythingtoeachother,ofmergingtogetherandsolvingalloflife’sproblems.6.Concernandtensionaboutmoneytakeeachpartnerawayfromtheother.Obligationstodemandingparentsorstill-depended-uponparentscreatefurtherstrain.Couplestodaymustalsodealwithalltheculturalchangesbroughtoninrecentyearsbythewomen’smovementandthesexualrevolution.Thealteringofrolesandtheshiftingofresponsibilitieshavebeenextremelytryingformanymarriages.7.Theseandotherrealitiesoflifeerodethevisionsofmaritalblessthewaysandstormseatatrockandtheoceannibblesawayatthedunes.Thoseeuphoric,grandfeelingsthataccompanyromanticlovearereallyself-delusions,self-hypnoticdreamsthatenableustoforgearelationship.Reallife,failureatwork,disappointments,exhaustion,badsmells,badcoldsandhardtimesallpuncturethedreamandleaveusstrandedwithourmate,withourchildhoodpatternspushingusthiswayandthat,andwithourunfulfilledexpectations.8.Thestruggletosurviveinmarriagerequiresadaptability,flexibility,genuineloveandkindness,andanimaginationstrongenoughtofeelwhattheotherisfeeling.Manymarriagesfallapartbecauseeitherpartnercannotimaginewhattheotherwantsorcannotcommunicatedwhatheorsheneedsorfeels.Angerbuildsuntiliteruptsintoavolcanicburstthatburiesthemarriageinash.9.Ifwesensefromourmateaneedfortoomuchintimacy,wetendtopushhimorheraway,fearingthatwemayloseouridentitiesinthemergingofmarriage.Onepartnermaysuffocatetheotherpartnerinachildlikedependency.Agoodmarriagemeansgrowingasacouplebutalsogrowingasindividuals.Thisisn’teasy.Richardgivesuphisinterestincarpentrybecausehiswife,Helen,isjealousofthetimehespendsawayfromher.Karenquitethechoirgroupbecauseherhusbanddislikesthefriendsshemakesthere.E