PASSAGES-OF-HUMAN-GROWTH-Gail-Sheehy

PASSAGESOFHUMANGROWTHGailSheehyAperson’slifeatanygiventimeincorporatesbothexternalandinternalaspects.Theexternalsystemiscomposedofourmembershipsintheculture:ourjob,socialclass,familyandsocialroles,howwepresentourselvestoandparticipateintheworld.Theinteriorrealmconcernsthemeaningsthisparticipationhasforeachofus.Inwhatwaysareourvalues,goals,andaspirationsbeinginvigoratedorviolatedbyourpresentlifesystem?Howmanypartsofourpersonalitycanwelieout,andwhatpartsarewesuppressing?Howdowefeelaboutourwayoflivingintheworldatanygiventime?Theinnerrealmiswherethecrucialshiftsinbedrockbegintothrowapersonoffbalance,signalingthenecessitytochangeandmoveontoanewfootinginthenextstageofdevelopment.Thesecrucialshiftsoccurthroughoutlife,yetpeopleconsistentlyrefusetorecognizethattheypossessaninternallifesystem.Askanyonewhoseemsdown,“whyareyoufeelinglow?”Mostwilldisplacetheinnermessageontoamarkerevent:“I’vebeendownsincewemoved,sinceIchangedjobs,sincemywifewentbacktograduateschoolandturnedintoadamnsocialworkerinsackcloth,”andsoon.Probablylessthantenpercentwouldsay:”Thereissomeunknowndisturbancewithinme,andeventhoughit’spainful,IfeelIhavetostaywithitandrideitout.”Evenfewerpeoplewouldbeabletoexplainthattheturbulencetheyfeelmayhavenoexternalcause.Andyetitmaynotresolveitselfforseveralyears.Duringeachofthesepassages,howwefeelaboutourwayoflivingwillundergosubtlechangesinfourareasofperception.Oneistheinteriorsenseofselfinrelationtoothers.Asecondistheproportionofsafenesstodangerwefeelinourlives.Athirdisourperceptionoftimedowehaveplentyofit,orarewebeginningtofeelthattimeisrunningout?Last,therewillbesomeshiftatthegutlevelinoursenseofalivenessorstagnation,thesearethehazysensationsthatcomposethebackgroundtoneoflivingandshapethedecisionsonwhichwetakeaction.Theworkofadultlifeisnoteasy,asinchildhood,eachsteppresentsnotonlynewtasksofdevelopmentbutrequiresalettinggoofthetechniquesthatworkedbefore.Witheachpassagesomemagicmustbegivenup,somecherishedillusionofsafetyandcomfortablyfamiliarsenseofselfmustbecastoff,toallowforthegreaterexpansionofourowndistinctiveness.PullingupRootsBefore18,themottoisloudandclear:“Ihavetogetawayfrommyparents.”Butthewordsareseldomconnectedtoaction.Generallystillsafelypartofourfamilies,evenifawayatschool,wefeelourautonomytobesubjecttoerosionfrommomenttomoment.After18,webeginPullingUpRootsinearnest.College,militaryservice,andshort-termtravelsarecustomaryvehiclesoursocietyprovidesforthefirstroundtripsbetweenfamilyandabaseofone’sown,intheattempttoseparateourviewoftheworldfromourfamily’sview,despitevigorousprotestationstothecontrary—“IknowexactlywhatIwant!”–wecastaboutforanybeliefswecanourown.Andintheprocessoftestingthosebeliefsweareoftendrawntofads,preferablythosemostmysteriousandinaccessibletoourparents.Whatevertentativemembershipswetryoutintheworld,thefearhauntsusthatwearereallykidswhocannottakecareofourselves.Wecoverthatfearwithactsofdefianceandmimickedconfidence.Foralliestoreplaceourparents,weturntoourcontemporaries.Theybecomeconspirators.Solongastheirperspectivemesheswithourown,theyareabletosubstituteforthesanctuaryofthefamily.Butthatdoesn’tlastverylong.Andtheinstanttheydivergefromtheshakyidealsof“ourgroup”,theyareseenasbetrayers.Reboundstothefamilyarecommonbetweentheagesof18to22.Thetasksofthispassagearetolocaleourselvesinapeergrouprole,asexrole,ananticipatedoccupation,anideologyorworldview.Asaresult,wegathertheimpetustoleavehomephysicallyandtheidentitytobeginleavinghomeemotionally.Evenasonepartofusseekstobeanindividual,anotherpartlongstorestorethesafetyandcomfortofmergingwithanother.Thusoneofthemostpopularmythsofthispassageis.WecanpiggybackourdevelopmentbyattachingtoaStrongerOne.Butpeoplewhomarryduringthistimeoftenprolongfinancialandemotionaltiestothefamilyandrelativesthatimpedethemfrombecomingself-sufficient.AstormypassagethroughthePullingUpRootsyearswillprobablyfacilitatethenormalprogressionoftheadultlifecycle.Ifonedoesn’thaveanidentitycrisisatthispoint,itwilleruptduringalatertransition,whenthepenaltiesmaybehardertobear.TheTryingTwentiesTheTryingTwentiesconfrontuswiththequestionofhowtotakeholdintheadultworld.Ourfocusshiftsfromtheinteriorturmoil’soflateadolescence--WhoamI?Whatistruth?--andwebecomealmosttotallypreoccupiedwithworkingouttheexternals.HowdoIputmyaspirationsintoeffect?Whatisthebestwaytostart?WheredoIgo?Whocanhelpme?Howdidyoudoit?Inthisperiod,whichislongerandmorestablecomparedwiththepassagethatleadstoit,thetasksareasenormousastheyareexhilarating:ToshapeaDream,thatvisionofourselveswhichwillgenerateenergy,aliveness,andhope.Toprepareforalifework.Tofindamentorifpossible.Andtoformthecapacityforintimacy,withoutlosingintheprocesswhateverconsistencyofselfwehavethusfarmustered.Thefirstteststructuremustbeerectedaroundthelifewechoosetotry.Doingwhatwe“should”isthemostpervasivethemeofthetwenties.The“shoulds”arelargelydefinedbyfamilymodels,thepressoftheculture,ortheprejudicesofourpeers.Iftheprevailingculturalinstructionsarethatoneshouldgetmarriedandsettledownbehindone’sowndoor,anuclearfamilyisborn.Oneoftheterrifyingaspectsofthetw