English-joke

EnglishJokesThePerfectSon.A:Ihavetheperfectson.B:Doeshesmoke?A:No,hedoesn't.B:Doeshedrinkwhiskey?A:No,hedoesn't.B:Doesheevercomehomelate?A:No,hedoesn't.B:Iguessyoureallydohavetheperfectson.Howoldishe?A:HewillbesixmonthsoldnextWednesday.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Girl:Youwouldbeagooddancerexceptfortwothings.Boy:Whatarethetwothings?Girl:Yourfeet.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Afamilyofmiceweresurprisedbyabigcat.FatherMousejumpedandsaid,Bow-wow!Thecatranaway.Whatwasthat,Father?askedBabyMouse.Well,son,that'swhyit'simportanttolearnasecondlanguage.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------MyfriendsaidheknewamanwithawoodenlegnamedSmith.SoIaskedhimWhatwasthenameofhisotherleg?(Trythisonewithyourstudentsthenexttimeyouareteachingalessonthatincludesthistypeofgrammer.)--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Thedoctortothepatient:'Youareverysick'Thepatienttothedoctor:'CanIgetasecondopinion?'Thedoctoragain:'Yes,youareveryuglytoo...'Iusethisjokeforretellinginreportedspeech.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Amangoestothedoctorandsays,Doctor,whereverItouch,ithurts.Thedoctorasks,Whatdoyoumean?Themansays,WhenItouchmyshoulder,itreallyhurts.IfItouchmyknee-OUCH!WhenItouchmyforehead,itreally,reallyhurts.Thedoctorsays,Iknowwhat'swrongwithyou-you'vebrokenyourfinger!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Patient:Doctor,IhaveapaininmyeyewheneverIdrinktea.Doctor:Takethespoonoutofthemugbeforeyoudrink.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Patient:Doctor!You'vegottohelpme!Nobodyeverlistenstome.NooneeverpaysanyattentiontowhatIhavetosay.Doctor:Nextplease!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Twoboyswerearguingwhentheteacherenteredtheroom.Theteachersays,Whyareyouarguing?Oneboyanswers,Wefoundatendollorbillanddecidedtogiveittowhoevertellsthebiggestlie.Youshouldbeashamedofyourselves,saidtheteacher,WhenIwasyourageIdidn'tevenknowwhataliewas.Theboysgavethetendollarstotheteacher.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Asnailwalksintoabarandthebarmantellshimthere'sastrictpolicyabouthavingsnailsinthebarandsokickshimout.Ayearlaterthesamesnailre-entersthebarandasksthebarmanWhatdidyoudothatfor?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A:Justlookatthatyoungpersonwiththeshorthairandbluejeans.Isitaboyoragirl?B:It'sagirl.She'smydaughter.A:Oh,I'msorry,sir.Ididn'tknowthatyouwereherfather.B:I'mnot.I'mhermother.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mother:Didyouenjoyyourfirstdayatschool?Girl:Firstday?DoyoumeanIhavetogobacktomorrow?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Headmaster:I'vehadcomplaintsaboutyou,Johnny,fromallyourteachers.Whathaveyoubeendoing?Johnny:Nothing,sir.Headmaster:Exactly.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher:Nick,whatisthepastparticipleoftheverbtoring?Nick:Whatdoyouthinkitis,Sir?Teacher:Idon'tthink,IKNOW!Nick:Idon'tthinkIknoweither,Sir!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A:Hey,man!Pleasecallmeataxi.B:Yes,sir.Youareataxi.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A:Whyareyoucrying?B:Theelephantisdead.A:Washeyourpet?B:No,butI'mtheonewhomustdighisgrave.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ateenagegirlhadbeentalkingonthephoneforabouthalfanhour,andthenshehungup.Wow!,saidherfather,Thatwasshort.Youusuallytalkfortwohours.Whathappened?Wrongnumber,repliedthegirl.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------PUPIL:WouldyoupunishmeforsomethingIdidn’tdo?TEACHER:Ofcoursenot.PUPIL:Good,becauseIhaven’tdonemyhomework.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ateacheraskedastudenttowrite55.Studentasked:How?Teacher:Write5andbesideitanother5!Thestudentwrote5andstopped.Teacher:Whatareyouwaitingfor?Student:Idon'tknowwhichsidetowritetheother5!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------WhenIwanttoteachthecolors,Ijustaskmystudentstopretendthephoneisringingandtheywillanswer:Phonerings:Green,green!Theyanswer:Yellow?Theyask:White?Theyhangup:Pink!Whileteachingthisuseyourhandspretendingyouareholdingthephone.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------LittleJohnny:Teacher,canIgotothebathroom?Teacher:LittleJohnny,MAYIgotothebathroom?LittleJohnny:ButIaskedfirst!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Twogoldfishinabowltalking:Goldfish1:DoyoubelieveinGod?Goldfish2:Ofcourse,Ido!Whodoyouthinkchangesthewater?----------------