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Therearethreekindsoflies:lies,damnedliesandstatistics.BenjaminDisraeliThefirstninetyminutesofafootballmatcharethemostimportant.BobbyRobson.WritinginCorC++islikerunningachainsawwithallthesafetyguardsremoved.BobGrayAlthoughpreparedformartyrdom,Ipreferredthatitbepostponed.WinstonChurchillWe'llgetalongfineassoonasyourealizeI'mGod.Idon'thaveadrinkingproblem.Idrink.Igetdrunk.Ifalldown.Noproblem.Ifyou'vegotthembytheballs,theirheartsandmindswillfollow.JohnWayneIfyouwanttomakeGodlaugh,tellhimyourfutureplans.WoodyAllenJustbecauseyou'renotparanoiddoesn'tmeanthey'renotouttogetyou.Ihavemadeanimportantdiscovery…thatalcohol,takeninsufficientquantities,producesalltheeffectsofintoxication.OscarWildeAllanimalsareequalbutsomearemoreequalthanothers.GeorgeOrwellCodingstylesarelikeassholes,everyonehasoneandnoonelikesanyoneelses.EricWarmenhovenMadam,youhavebetweenyourlegsaninstrumentcapableofgivingpleasuretothousands,andallyoucandoisscratchit!ThomasBeecham.Pleasedonotshootthepianist.Heisdoinghisbest.OscarWildeDon'tbesohumble-youarenotthatgreat.GoldaMeirIn1969Igaveupwomenandalcoholanditwastheworst20minutesofmylife.GeorgeBestPoliticsdoesn'tmakestrangebedfellows,marriagedoes.GrouchoMarxThereisaremarkablebreakdownoftasteandintelligenceatChristmastime.Mature,responsiblegrownmenwearnecktiesmadeofhollyleavesanddrinkalcoholicbeverageswithraweggyolksandcottagecheeseinthem.P.J.O'Rourke.Bewareofcomputerprogrammersthatcarryscrewdrivers.LeonardBrandwein.Whenyouseeamarriedcouplecomingdownthestreet,theonewhoistwoorthreestepsaheadistheonethat'smad.HelenRowlandThereisstillnocureforthecommonbirthday.JohnGlenn.Ifyourparentsneverhadchildren,chancesareyouwon'teither.DickCavett.Iwasalwaysunlawful;IbrokethelawwhenIwasbornbecausemyparentsweren'tmarried.GeorgeBernardShawWhenPeterBeardsleyappearsontelevision,dalekshidebehindthesofa.NickHancock.Beingafull-timemotherisoneofthehighestsalariedjobs...sincethepaymentispurelove.MildredB.Vermont.Computerscanfigureoutallkindsofproblems,exceptthethingsintheworldthatjustdon'taddup.JamesMagary.Birthdaysaregoodforyou.Statisticsshowthatthepeoplewhohavethemostlivethelongest.LarryLorenzoni.Eatdrinkandbemerry,fortomorrowtheymaymakeitillegal.DublinUniversitycontainsthecreamofIreland-richandthick.SamuelBeckettOnlyonethingisimpossibleforGod:Tofindanysenseinanycopyrightlawontheplanet.MarkTwain.Therewillalwaysbeabattlebetweenthesexesbecausemenandwomenwantdifferentthings.Menwantwomenandwomenwantmen.GeorgeBurnsThisisnotanoveltobetossedasidelightly.Itshouldbethrownwithgreatforce.DorothyParker.Betweentwoevils,IalwayspicktheoneInevertriedbefore.MaeWestTheRussiansloveBrookeShieldsbecausehereyebrowsremindthemofLeonidBrezhnev.RobinWilliams.Experienceisthenameeveryonegivestotheirmistakes.OscarWildeAnamateurissomeonewhosupportshimselfwithoutsidejobswhichenablehimtopaint.Aprofessionalissomeonewhosewifeworkstoenablehimtopaint.BenShahn.AttheageofsixyearsIwantedtobeachef.AttheageofsevenIwantedtobeNapoleon.Myambitionshavecontinuedtogrowatthesamerateeversince.SalvadorDaliI'vebeenaccusedofvulgarity.Isaythat'sbullshit.MelBrooks.Itisimpossibletotravelfasterthanlight,andcertainlynotdesirable,asone'shatkeepsblowingoff.WoodyAllenThereareaterriblelotofliesgoingabouttheworld,andtheworstofitisthathalfofthemaretrue.WinstonChurchillTelevisionistonewswhatbumperstickersaretophilosophy.RichardNixonThat's'Mr.SmutPeddler'toyou!LarryFlyntBart,stoppesteringSatan!MargeSimpsonThat[sex]wasthemostfunIeverhadwithoutlaughing.WoodyAllenAfoolandhismoneyaresoonelected.WillRogers.SubmittedbyBreannaLikelyYou'llneverfindawomanasgoodasyourMothersowhyamIstilllookingWorkisthecurseofthedrinkingclass.I'mnotnormallyareligiousman,but...ifyou'reupthere,saveme,Superman!HomerSimpsonTherecannotbeacrisisnextweek.Myscheduleisalreadyfull.HenryA.KissingerPowermeansnothavingtorespond.Don'tknockmasturbation.It'ssexwithsomeoneIlove.WoodyAllenHaroldWilsonisgoingaroundthecountrystirringupapathy.WilliamWhitelaw.HowcanIbelieveinGodwhenjustlastweekIgotmytonguecaughtintherollerofanelectrictypewriter?WoodyAllenEnglish-Whoneedsthat?I'mnevergoingtoEngland!HomerSimpsonTheproblemwiththeyouthoftoday'isthatoneisnolongerpartofit.SalvadorDaliTheIrishgavethebagpipestotheScottsasajoke,buttheScottshaven'tseenthejokeyet.OliverHerford.SoftwareEngineeringisthatpartofComputerSciencewhichistoodifficultfortheComputerScientist.F.L.BauerIamamarveloushousekeeper.EverytimeIleaveamanIkeephishouse.ZsaZsaGaborToerrishuman,buttoreallyfoulthingsupyouneedacomputer.PaulEhrlichToerrishuman,buttoreallyfoulthingsuprequiresacomputer.Farmers'Almanac,1978.Myfatherhatedradioandcouldnotwaitfortelevisiontobeinventedsohecouldhatethattoo.PeterDeVriesMarge,I'mgoingtomissyousomuch.Andit'snotjustthesex.It'salsothefoodpreparation.HomerSimpsonThereoughttobeonedayjustonewhenthereisopenseasononsenators.WillRogersAnothersuchvictory,andweareundone.PyrrhusIfitweren'tforPhiloT.Farnsworth,inventoroftelevision,we'dstillbeeatingfrozenradiodinners.JohnnyCarsonAmodestman,whohasmuchtobemodestaboutOnClementAtleeWinstonChurchillIdranksomeboilingwaterbec