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ChaosTheoryisanewtheoryinventedbyscientistspanickedbythethoughtthatthepublicwerebeginningtounderstandtheoldones.MikeBarfield.Ifyourbossisgettingyoudown,lookathimthroughtheprongsofaforkandimaginehiminjail.DavidBrentToerrishuman-butitfeelsdivine.MaeWestWhatwouldmenbewithoutwomen?Scarce,sir,mightyscarce.MarkTwainIt'snotourfaultourgenerationhasshortattentionspans,Dad.WewatchanappallingamountofTV.LisaSimpsonIonceboughtmykidsasetofbatteriesforChristmaswithanoteonitsaying,toysnotincluded.BernardManning.Asthepoetsaid,OnlyGodcanmakeatree-probablybecauseit'ssohardtofigureouthowtogetthebarkon.WoodyAllenTheprofessionofbook-writingmakeshorseracingseemlikeasolid,stablebusiness.JohnSteinbeckIhavetakenmoreoutofalcoholthanalcoholhastakenoutofme.WinstonChurchillIlovebeingawriter.WhatIcan'tstandisthepaperwork.PeterDeVriesEnglandandAmericaaretwocountriesdividedbyacommonlanguage.BernardShawExperienceisthenameeveryonegivestotheirmistakes.OscarWildeThereisonethingIwouldbreakupoverandthatisifshecaughtmewithanotherwoman.Iwouldn'tstandforthat.SteveMartin.Whenwomengowrong,mengorightafterthem.MaeWestIdon'tknowalotaboutpolitics,butIcanrecognizeagoodpartymanwhenIseeone.MaeWestWhenyouarecourtinganicegirlanhourseemslikeasecond.Whenyousitonared-hotcinderasecondseemslikeanhour.That'srelativity.AlbertEinsteinIgenerallyavoidtemptationunlessIcan'tresistit.MaeWestWhenyousayyouagreetoathinginprincipleyoumeanthatyouhavenottheslightestintentionofcarryingitoutinpractice.OttoVonBismark.HewhofightsandrunsawayMaylivetofightanotherday;ButhewhoisinbattleslainCanneverriseandfightagain.OliverGoldsmithIdon'tthinkanyoneshouldwritetheirautobiographyuntilafterthey'redead.SamuelGoldwynMytheoryisthatallofScottishcuisineisbasedonadare.MikeMyersTherearenoAmericaninfidelsinBaghdad.Never!MohammedSaeedal-SahafTherearethreeagesofman-youth,age,and'you'relookingwonderful.'CardinalFrancisSpellmanToobadallthepeoplewhoknowhowtorunthiscountryarebusyrunningtaxicabsorcuttinghair.GeorgeBurnsEverwonderifilliteratepeoplegetthefulleffectofalphabetsoup?JohnMendosa.Iamattwowithnature.WoodyAllenTherealizationthatoneistobehangedinthemorningconcentratesthemindwonderfully.SamuelJohnsonGivingupsmokingiseasy.I'vedoneithundredsoftimes.AuthorUnknownOftenerroneouslyattributedtoMarkTwain.Here'stoalcohol:thesourceof,andanswerto,alloflife'sproblems.HomerSimpsonCleanlinessbecomesmoreimportantwhengodlinessisunlikely.P.J.ORourkeTheonethingwomendon'twanttofindintheirstockingsonChristmasmorningistheirhusband.JoanRivers.Whatdoesitmeantopre-board?Doyougetonbeforeyougeton?GeorgeCarlinMoneycouldn'tbuyfriends,butyougotabetterclassofenemy.SpikeMilliganIt'shardtobehumblewhenyou'reasgreatasIam.Birthdaysaregoodforyou.Statisticsshowthatthepeoplewhohavethemostlivethelongest.LarryLorenzoni.Inevergotalongwithmydad.Kidsusedtocomeuptomeandsay,Mydadcanbeatupyourdad.I'dsay,Yeah?When?BillHicks.Idon'thaveadrinkingproblem.Idrink.Igetdrunk.Ifalldown.Noproblem.YoucantellGermanwinefromvinegarbythelabelMarkTwain.Haveyouevernoticed?Anybodygoingslowerthanyouisanidiot,andanyonegoingfasterthanyouisamaniac.GeorgeCarlin.Thestupidperson'sideaofacleverperson.ElizabethBowenonAldousHuxleyIdon'tmakejokes.Ijustwatchthegovernmentandreportthefacts.WillRogers.Everybodytalksabouttheweather,butnobodydoesanythingaboutit.CharlesD.WarnerBeerislivingproofthatGodlovesusandwantsustobehappy.BenjaminFranklinThefirstninetyminutesofafootballmatcharethemostimportant.BobbyRobson.HostingtheOscarsislikemakinglovetoabeautifulwoman-it'ssomethingIonlygettodowhenBillyCrystal'soutoftown.SteveMartin(atthe2001Oscars)Getyourfactsfirst,thenyoucandistortthemasyouplease.MarkTwainEverythingisfunnyaslongasitishappeningtosomebodyelse.WillRogersTheidealformofgovernmentisdemocracytemperedwithassassination.VoltaireIlovebeingmarried.It'ssogreattofindthatonespecialpersonyouwanttoannoyfortherestofyourlife.RitaRudnerAdiplomatisamanwhoalwaysremembersawoman'sbirthdaybutneverremembersherage.RobertFrost.Friendsmaycomeandgo,butenemiesaccumulate.ThomasJonesI'mverypleasedtobehere.Let'sfaceit,atmyageI'mverypleasedtobeanywhere.GeorgeBurnsElizabethTaylorhasmorechinsthantheChinesetelephonedirectory.JoanRivers.Winningisn'teverything-it'stheonlything.VinceLombardiMyadvicetoyouisgetmarried:ifyoufindagoodwifeyou'llbehappy;ifnot,you'llbecomeaphilosopher.Socrates.Iinventedit,Billmadeitfamous.DavidBradley(wrotethecodeforCtrl-Alt-DeleteontheIBMPC)Weliveinanagewhenpizzagetstoyourhomebeforethepolice.JeffMarder.Isoldthememoirsofmysexlifetoapublisher-theyaregoingtomakeaboardgameoutofit.WoodyAllenWhatcontemptiblescoundrelhasstolenthecorktomylunch?W.ClementStoneAlwaysendthenameofyourchildwithavowel,sothatwhenyouyellthenamewillcarry.BillCosbyCriticsaretoauthorswhatdogsaretolamp-posts.JeffreyRobinson.Originalityisthefineartofrememberingwhatyouhearbutforgettingwhereyouheardit.LaurenceJ.PeterMothersarefonderthanfathersoftheirchildrenbecausetheyaremorecertaintheyaretheirown.Aristotle.Criticsarelikeeunuchsinaharem;theyknowhowit'sdone,they'veseenitdoneeveryday,butthey'reunabletodoitthemselves.BrendanBeh