6 Jokes-5

1●DirtyJokesXXXI●GeorgeandHarrietdecidedtocelebratetheir25thWeddingAnniversarywithatriptoLasVegas.Whentheyenteredthehotel/casinoandregistered,asweetyoungwomandressedinaveryshortskirtbecameveryfriendly.Georgebrushedheroff.Harrietobjected,George,thatyoungwomanwasnice,andyouweresorude.Harriet,she'saprostitute.Idon'tbelieveyou.Thatsweetyoungthing?Let'sgouptoourroomandI'llproveit.Intheirroom,Georgecalleddowntothedeskandaskedfor'Bambi'tocometoroom1217.Now,hesaid,youhideinthebathroomwiththedooropenjustenoughtohearus,OK?Soon,therewasaknockonthedoor.GeorgeopeneditandBambiwalkedin,swirlingherhipsprovocatively.Georgeasked,Howmuchdoyoucharge?$125basicrate,$100tipsforspecialservices.EvenGeorgewastakenaback.$125!Iwasthinkingmoreintherangeof$25.Bambilaughedderisively.Youmustreallybeahickifyouthinkyoucanbuysexforthatprice.Well,saidGeorge,Iguesswecan'tdobusiness.Goodbye.Aftersheleft,Harrietcameoutofthebathroom.Shesaid,Ijustcan'tbelieveit!Georgesaid,Let'sforgetit.We'llgohaveadrink,theneatdinner.Atthebar,astheysippedtheircocktails,BambicameupbehindGeorge,pointedslylyatHarriet,andsaid,Seewhatyougetfor$25?●Abusinessmanandhissecretary,overcomebypassion,retiretohishouseforwhatispopularlytermedanooner.Don'tworry,hepurrs.Mywifeisoutoftownonabusinesstrip,there'snorisk.Asonethingleadstoanother,thewomanreachesintoherpurseandsuddenlygasps,Wehavetostop,Iforgottobringbirthcontrol!Noproblem,herlover2replies.I'llgetmywife'sdiaphragm.Afterafewminutesofsearching,hereturnstothebedroominafury.Thatwitch!heexclaims.Shetookitwithher!Ialwaysknewshedidn'ttrustme!●Twodrunksarestandingatawhorehousedoor.Thefirstdrunksays,Iheardhalfthesebroadshavetheclapandthatnoneofthemwouldthinktwiceaboutstealingeverypennywe'vegot.Theseconddrunksays,Notsoloud,ortheywon'tletusin.●ThemorticiancallsMrs.Banley,andsays,ExcusemeMrs.Banley,butIcan'tseemtoclosethelidtoyourhusband'scoffinbecausehehasahugeerection.Towhichshereplies,Whydon'tyoucutitoffandstickituphisass?That'stheonlyholeintownithasn'tbeenin.●Aguygoesintoabarandsaystothebartender,Man,I'mdyingtohavesexintheworstway.Sothebartendersays,Well,theworstwayIknowofisstandingupinahammock.●I'venevergonetobedwithanuglyman,butI'vewokenupwithafew.●AMomisdrivingalittlegirltoherfriendshouseforaplaydate.Mommy,thelittlegirlasks,howoldareyou?Themotherlooksoveratthelittlegirl,Honey,youarenotsupposedtoaskaladyherage,itisn'tpolite.themotherwarns.Ok,thelittlegirlsays,Howmuchdoyouweigh?Nowreally,themothersays,thesearepersonalquestionsandarereallynoneofyourbusiness.Undaunted,thelittlegirlasks,Whydidyouanddaddygetadivorce?Thatisenoughquestions,honestly!Theexasperatedmotherwalksawayasthetwofriendsbegintoplay.MyMomwouldn'ttellmeanything,thelittlegirlsaystoherfriend.Well,saidthefriend,allyou3needtodoislookatherdriver'slicense.Itislikeareportcard,ithaseverythingonit.Laterthatnightthelittlegirlsaystohermother,Iknowhowoldyouare,youare32.Themotherissurprisedandasks,Howdidyoufindthatout?Ialsoknowthatyouweigh140pounds.Themotherispastsurpriseandshocknow.Howinheavensnamedidyoufindthatout?Thelittlegirlcontinuesontriumphantly,And...Iknowwhyyouanddaddygotdivorce.Ohreally?,themotherasks,Whyisthat?Towhichthegirlreplies,BecauseyougotanFinsex.●Acoupleislyinginbed.Themansays,IamgoingtomakeyouthehappiestwomanintheworldThewomansays,I'llmissyou.●AtruckergoesintoawhorehouseandhandstheMadamfivehundreddollars.Hesays,Iwantyourugliestwomanandabolognasandwich.TheMadamsays,Forthatkindofmoney,youcouldhaveoneofmyfinestgirlsandsurfandturf.Thetruckersays,Iain'thorny,I'mhomesick.●Jackisonhisdeathbed,andhesaystohiswife,Canyougivemeonelastwish?Shesays,Anythingyouwant.Hesays,AfterIdie,willyoumarryLarry?Shesays,ButIthoughtyouhatedLarry.Withhislastbreath,hesays,Ido.●ThreeguysarefishingwhenFredgetsuptogetabeer,loseshisbalanceandfallsoutoftheboat.EdsaysWhatshouldwedo?Billsays,Youbetterjumpinafterhim,he'sbeenunderwaterforawhile,hemightneedsomehelp.SoEdjumpsin,andaftersometime,hesurfaces.Hesays,Helpmegethimintheboat.TheywrestleFredbackintotheboat.Edsays,Whatdowedonow,itdoesn'tlooklikehe'sbreathing.Billsays,4Givehimmouthtomouth.EdstartstoblowairintoFred'smouthandsays,Whoa,Idon'trememberFredhavingsuchbadbreath.Billsays,Cometothinkofit,Idon'tthinkFredwaswearingasnowmobilesuit,either.●Patient:Doc,yougottahelpme.I'munderalotofstress.Ikeeplosingmytemperwithpeople.Doctor:Tellmeaboutyourproblem.Patient:Ijustdid,youfuckingjackass!●Theguysays,Doc,I'mhavingtroublegettingitup.Thedoctorexamineshimandsays,You'llneedtohavesomeworkdonetobringbackyoursexdrive.Icandoitinaseriesofoperationsthatwilltakethirtydaysandcosttwelvethousanddollars,orIcandoitinoneoperationrightawaythatwouldcostthirtythousanddollars.Whydon'tyougohomeanddiscussitwithyourwife?Thenextdaytheguycomesbackintothedoctor'soffice.Thedoctorsays,Whatdidyoudecide?Hesays,We'regoingtore-dothekitchen.●Mr.Geraldosaystohisdoctor,Doc,Ihadtheworstdreamofmylifelastnight.IdreamedIwaswithtwelveofthemostbeautifulchorusgirlsintheworld.Blondes,brunettes,redheads,andtheywerealldancinginarow.Thepsychiatristsays,Nowholdon,Mr.Geraldo.Thatdoesn'tsoundsote