托福写作批改点评第21期-手机对人们日常的影响力超过了电视_托福写作

智课网TOEFL备考资料托福写作批改点评第21期:手机对人们日常的影响力超过了电视?_托福写作Topic（题目）：Doyouagreeordisagree?Telephonehashadgreatereffectsonpeople’slivesthantelevision.Targettext（文章正文）:Althoughtelevisionisrelativelyrentinventionanditbecomesmoreandmoreprevalentinourlife,Istillbelievethattelephoneinfluencesourdailylifeinamoreprofoundwaythantelevision.Amongcountlessreasonswhichcansupportmysituationarefollowingnoes.Firstandforemost,telephonecanreachfarmoreplacesthantelevision.Inmoderntimes,almosteveryfamilyhastelephone,eveninremotevillages.Telephonehasbecameabasicdeviceforpeople.Butnoteveryfamilyhastelevision,insomepoorvillages,televisionisluxury.Forinstance,inGansuprovinceofChina,therearemanypeopleisstrugglingbelowthepovertyline.Inthere,evenseveralvillagesshareonetelevision.Infact,inmanyremoteplaces,comparedwithtelevision,telephonecanreachfarmoreplacesandmakepeoplewholivesinremotevillagestokeepintouchwithotherpeople.Second,telephoneisanecessarycommunicationtoolamongpeopleanditismoreusefulthantelevision.Byusingtelephone,peoplecanexchangefeelingsandideasfreely.Inmanyplaces,suchasofficesandfamilies,telephoneisrequisite.Incontrast,televisionisawaytoentertainandwatchingTVislargelypassive.Inaddition,cellphonewillcontinuerevolutionizepeople’slife.Withthedevelopmentofadvancedtechnology,cellphonehashadmorefunctions,sometimesitcansupercedetelevision.Forexample,manyyoungpeoplepreferwatchingTVshowsormoviesincellphone,sinceitismoreconvenientandthereisnolimitationoflocation.Sotelephonehasgreaterinfluenceonpeople’slifeascommunicationtoolandrecreationaldevice.Takingintoaccountallthesefactors,Imayreachtheconclusionthattelephonehasgreatereffectsonourdailylifethantelevision,becauseofitsfar-reaching,practicalityofcommunicationandcapacityofentertainment.Revisedessay（批改后）：Althoughtelevisionisrelativelyrentinvention[这是什么意思]anditbecomesmoreandmoreprevalentinourlife,Istillbelievethattelephoneinfluencesourdailylifeinamoreprofoundwaythantelevision.Amongcountlessreasonswhichcansupportmysituationarefollowingnoes.[ones]Firstandforemost,telephonecanreachfarmoreplacesthantelevision.Inmoderntimes,almosteveryfamilyhas[a]telephone,eveninremotevillages.Telephonehasbecame[become]abasicdeviceforpeople.Butnoteveryfamilyhas[可数名词要表现他的单复数]television,insomepoorvillages,televisionis[a]luxury.Forinstance,inGansuprovinceofChina,therearemanypeople[whoare]isstrugglingbelowthepovertyline.Inthere,evenseveralvillagesshareonetelevision.Infact,inmanyremoteplaces,comparedwithtelevision,telephonecanreachfarmoreplacesandmakepeoplewholives[live]inremotevillagestokeepintouchwithotherpeople.Second,telephoneisanecessarycommunicationtoolamongpeopleanditismoreusefulthantelevision.Byusingtelephone,peoplecanexchangefeelingsandideasfreely.Inmanyplaces,suchasofficesandfamilies,telephoneis[a]requisite.Incontrast,televisionisawaytoentertainandwatchingTVislargelypassive.Inaddition,cellphonewillcontinuerevolutionizepeople’slife.Withthedevelopmentofadvancedtechnology,cellphonehashadmorefunctions,sometimesitcansupercede[拼写错误]television.Forexample,manyyoungpeoplepreferwatchingTVshowsormoviesincellphone,sinceitismoreconvenientandthereisnolimitationoflocation.Sotelephonehasgreaterinfluenceonpeople’slifeascommunicationtoolandrecreationaldevice.Takingintoaccountallthesefactors,Imayreachtheconclusionthattelephonehasgreatereffectsonourdailylifethantelevision,becauseofitsfar-reaching,practicalityofcommunicationandcapacityofentertainment.预估分数：21学习建议：1、尝试用反面观点来进行论证。2、写文章前先制定写作大纲。3、写作是需要注意使用的论证方式，写好之后要回看修改。4、注意论据和论点之间的关系要紧密。5、论证方式要多样化。6、注意论据要多用细节。看是否有更多的论据来支撑观点。