notes of a native son 一个土生子的笔记

NotesofaNativeSonByJamesBaldwinTheyearwhichprecededmyfather'sdeathhadmadeagreatchangeinmylife.IhadbeenlivinginNewJersey,workingindefenseplants,workingandlivingamongsoutherners,whiteandblack.Iknewaboutthesouth,ofcourse,andabouthowsouthernerstreatedNegroesandhowtheyexpectedthemtobehave,butithadneverenteredmymindthatanyonewouldlookatmeandexpectmetobehavethatway.IlearnedinNewJerseythattobeaNegromeant,precisely,thatonewasneverlookedatbutwassimplyatthemercyofthereflexesthecolorofone'sskincausedinotherpeople.IactedinNewJerseyasIhadalwaysacted,thatisasthoughIthoughtagreatdealofmyself----Ihadtoactthatway----withresultsthatwere,simply,unbelievable.IhadscarcelyarrivedbeforeIhadearnedtheenmity,whichwasextraordinarilyingenious,ofallmysuperiorsandnearlyallmyco-workers.Inthebeginning,tomakemattersworse,Isimplydidnotknowwhatwashappening.IdidnotknowwhatIhaddone,andIshortlybegantowonderwhatanyonecouldpossiblydo,tobringaboutsuchunanimous,active,andunbearablyvocalhostility.Iknewaboutjim-crowbutIhadneverexperiencedit.Iwenttothesameself-servicerestaurantthreetimesandstoodwithallthePrincetonboysbeforethecounter,waitingforahamburgerandcoffee;itwasalwaysanextraordinarilylongtimebeforeanythingwassetbeforeme;butitwasnotuntilthefourthvisitthatIlearnedthat,infact,nothinghadeverbeensetbeforeme:Ihadsimplypickedsomethingup.Negroeswerenotservedhere,Iwastold,andtheyhadbeenwaitingformetorealizethatIwastheonlyNegropresent.OnceIwastoldthis,Ideterminedtogothereallthetime.Butnowtheywerereadyformeand,thoughsomedreadfulscenesweresubsequentlyenactedinthatrestaurant,Ineveratethereagain.ItwasthesamestoryalloverNewJersey,inbars,bowlingalleys,diners,placestolive.Iwasalwaysbeingforcedtoleave,silently,orwithmutualimprecations.IveryshortlybecamenotoriousandchildrengiggledbehindmewhenIpassedandtheirelderswhisperedorshouted----theyreallybelievedthatIwasmad.Anditdidbegintoworkonmymind,ofcourse;IbegantobeafraidtogoanywhereandtocompensateforthisIwentplacestowhichIreallyshouldnothavegoneandwhere,Godknows,Ihadnodesiretobe.Myreputationintownnaturallyenhancedmyreputationatworkandmyworkingdaybecameonelongseriesofacrobaticsdesignedtokeepmeoutoftrouble.Icannotsaythattheseacrobaticssucceeded.ItbegantoseemthatthemachineryoftheorganizationIworkedforwasturningover,dayandnight,withbutoneaim:toejectme.Iwasfiredonce,andcontrived,withtheaidofafriendfromNewYork,togetbackonthepayroll;wasfiredagain,andbouncedbackagain.Ittookawhiletofiremeforthethirdtime,butthethirdtimetook.Therewerenoloopholesanywhere.Therewasnotevenanywayofgettingbackinsidethegates.ThatyearinNewJerseylivesinmymindasthoughitweretheyearduringwhich,havinganunsuspectedpredilectionforit,Ifirstcontractedsomedread,chronicdisease,theunfailingsymptomofwhichisakindofblindfever,apoundingintheskullandfireinthebowel.Oncethisdiseaseiscontracted,onecanneverbereallycarefreeagain,forthefeverwithoutaninstant'swarning,canrecuratanymoment.Itcanwreckmoreimportantthingsthanracerelations.ThereisnotaNegroalivewhodoesnothavethisrageinhisblood----onehasthechoice,merely,oflivingwithitconsciouslyorsurrenderingtoit.Asforme,thisfeverhasrecurredinme,anddoes,andwilluntilthedayIdie.MylastnightinNewJersey,awhitefriendfromNewYorktookmetothenearestbigtown,Trenton,togotothemoviesandhaveafewdrinks.Asitturnedout,healsosavedmefrom,attheveryleast,aviolentwhipping.Almosteverydetailofthatnightstandsoutveryclearlyinmymemory.Ievenrememberthenameofthemoviewesawbecauseitstitleimpressedmeasbeingsopartlyironical.ItwasamovieabouttheGermanoccupationofFrance,starringMaureenO'HaraandCharlesLaughtonandcalledThisLandIsMine.Irememberthenameofthedinerwewalkedintowhenthemovieended:itwastheAmericanDiner.WhenwewalkedinthecountermanaskedwhatwewantedandIrememberansweringwiththecasualsharpnesswhichhadbecomemyhabit:Wewantahamburgerandacupofcoffee,whatdoyouthinkwewant?Idonotknowwhy,afterayearofsuchrebuffs,Isocompletelyfailedtoanticipatehisanswer,whichwas,ofcourse,Wedon'tserveNegroeshere.Thisreplyfailedtodiscomposeme,atleastforthemoment.Imadesomesardoniccommentaboutthenameofthedinerandwewalkedoutintothestreets.Thiswasthetimeofwhatwascalledthebrown-out,whenthelightsinallAmericancitieswereverydim.Whenwerenteredthestreetssomethinghappenedtomewhichhadtheforceofanopticalillusion,oranightmare.ThestreetswereverycrowdedandIwasfacingnorth.Peopleweremovingineverydirectionbutitseemedtome,inthatinstant,thatallofthepeopleIcouldsee,andmanymorethanthat,weremovingtowardme,againstme,andthateveryonewaswhite.Irememberhowtheirfacesgleamed.AndIfelt,likeaphysicalsensation,aclickatthenapeofmyneckasthoughsomeinteriorstringconnectingmyheadtomybodyhadbeencut.Ibegantowalk.Iheardmyfriendcallafterme,butIignoredhim.Heavenonlyknowswhatwasgoingoninhismind,buthehadthegoodsensenottotouchme----Idon'tknowwhatwouldhavehappenedifhehad----andtokeepmeinsight.Idon'tknowwhatwasgoingoninmymind,either;Icertainlyhadnoconsciousplan.Iwantedtodosomethingtocrushthesewhitefaces,whichwerecrushingme.IwalkedforperhapsablockortwountilIcametoanenormous,glittering,andfashionablerestaurantinwhichIknewnoteventheintercessionoftheVir