英语专八幽默笑话美式幽默

OpenyourmouthDoctor:Pleaseopenyourmouth,madam.Lady:Thankyouverymuch,doctor.Doctor:Whydoyouthankme?Lady:Becausemyhusbandalwaysaskedmetoshutup.ThelongestandtheshortestAteacheraskedoneofhisstudents:’Whatisthelongestandwhatistheshortest?’Thestudentansweredimmediately:’Thelastseveralminutesofaclassisthelongest,whilethelastseveralminutesofanexamistheshortest.’TheReasonofBeingLateTheteacheraskedTom:“Whydidyoucometoschoolsolatethismorning?”“Someonelostoneyuan.”AnsweredTom.“Oh,nowIknow,youhelpedhimfindthemoney,”theteachersaid.“No,Istoodonthemoneyuntilthepersonwentaway,”wasTom’sreply.MotherWastooBusyTeacher:Mike,you’realwaysaskingyourfathertodoyourhomeworkinstead,andagninthistime……Mike:Pardon,sir,thistimeatfirstIwouldnotlethimdoit,butmotherwastoobusy.InaRestaurantCustomer:Waiter,there’sadeadbeetleinmysoup.Waiter:YesSir,theyarenotverygoodswimmers.Customer:Waiter,there’saflyinmysoup.Waiter:That’allright,Sir,hewon’tdrinkmuch.Customer:Waiter,there’saflyswimminginmysoup.Waiter：Sowhatdoyouexpectmetodo,callalifeguard?Customer:Waiter,what’sthemeaningofthisflyinmyteacup?Waiter:Iwouldn’tknow,Sir,I’mawaiter,notafortuneteller.IWasn’tAsleepWhenagroupofwomengotonthecar,everyseatwasalreadyoccupied.Theconductornoticedamanwhoseemedtobeasleep,andfearinghemightmisshisstop,henudgedhimandsaid:”Wakeup,sir!”“Iwasn’tasleep,”themananswered.“Notasleep?Butyouhadyoureyesclosed.”“Iknow.Ijusthatetolookatladiesstandingupbesidemeinacrowdedcar.”TheSameMotherBillyandhisbrotherDavywereinthesameclass.Theteacherassignedthemtowriteacomposition“MyMother”.DavywroteoneandBillyjustcopiedit.OnthenextdaytheteacheraskedBilly,”HowisitthatyourcompositionisexactlythesamewithDavy’s?”“wehavethesamemother,don’twe?”repliedBilly.Canwehaveourteacherback?Onceasuperintendentofschoolswasvisitingathree-roomschool.Oneroomwasverynoisy,sothemangrabbedatallboywhohadbeenstandinguptalking,Hetooktheboyintoanotherroomandstoodhiminthecorner.Fiveminuteslater,asmallboycameoutofthefirstroomandsaid,”whencanwehaveourteacherback?”WhoIstheLaziest？Father：Well，Tom，Iaskedtoyourteachertoday,andnowIwanttoaskyouaquestion.Whoisthelaziestpersoninyourclass?Tom:Idon’tknow,father.Father:Oh,yes,youdo!Think!Whenotherboysandgirlsaredoingandwriting,whositsintheclassandonlywatcheshowotherpeoplework?Tom:Ourteacher,fatherWhoShouldBeGiventheGift?Afatheroffivechildrencamehomewithatoy,summonedhischildrenandaskedwhichoneofthemshouldbegiventhepresent.‘Whoisthemostobedient,nevertalksbacktoMotheranddoeseverythingheorsheistold?’heinquired.Therewassilence,andthenachorusofvoices，‘Youplaywithit,Daddy!’AllIdoispay“Myfamilyisjiustlikeanation,”Mr.Browntoldhiscolleague.”Mywifeistheministeroffinance,mymother-in-lawistheministerofwar,andmydaughterisforeignsecrectary.”“Soundsinteresting,”hiscolleaguereplied.”Andwhatisyourposition?”“I’mthepeople.AllIdoispay.”ATriptoDisneyOnatriptoDisneyWorldinFlorida,myhusbandandIandourtwochildrendevotedourselveswholeheartedlytothewondersofthisattraction.Afterthreeexhaustingdays,weheadedforhome.Aswedroveaway,oursonwavedandsaid,’Goodbye,Mickey.’Myhusbandwaved,ratherweakly,andsaid,‘Goodbye,Money.’SheDidn'tSayAnythingAmotherandsonwerewashingdisheswhilethefatheranddaughterwerewatchingTVintheroom.Suddenly,therewasacrashofbreakingdishes,thencompletesilence.Thegirllookedatherfatherandsaid,“ItwasMom”.“Howdoyouknow?”askedherfather.“Shedidn'tsayanything.”IHaveTurnedItOverAwomansaidtoherhusband,“dear,lookatoursheet!It'stoodirty.Wouldyouliketowashitnow?”Themanlookedatthesheetandthenthoughtforawhileandthensaid,“Idon'tthinkit'snecessary.Wecanturnthesheetover.Isthatallright?”Hiswifewasveryangryatthis.“Howlazyyouare!”Sheshouted,“Totellyouthetruth,Iturneditoverlastweek.”TheArtofCryWhenMrsJohnsonenteredBelli'sroom,shefoundthathewasbindinguphisthumb.“What'sthematterwithyou?”sheasked.“Itisbecauseofthathammer.”Bellianswered.“ButIdidn'thearyoucry.”“Oh,Ithoughtyouwerenotinjustnow.”WeNeedTwoofThose“Doyouneedanytypists?”askedayoungmanseekingajob.“No,”saidthepersonneldirectorcheckingthelist.“Wehavegotplentyoftypists.”“Howaboutfileclerks?”askedtheman.“Sorry,wehavemanyfileclerks,too.”Disgusted,theapplicantstartedtoleave,muttering.“Well,I'llbeanS.O.B.…”Thepersonnelmanjumpedupandcried,“what!Weneedtwoofthose.”It'sNotThat“MayIborrowyourrecordplayertonight?”amanaskedhisneighbor.“Sure.Doyouwanttolistentosomemusic?”“No,”heanswered.“TonightIwanttohavesomepeaceandquiet.”ItIsOutTooOnecoldday,afriendoftheBrowns'wenttovisitthem.Themaidstoppedhimatthedoor.Thefriendasked,“IsMr.Brownathome?”“No,hehasgoneout.”Repliedthemaid.“IsMrs.Brownathome,then?”“No,shegoneout.”“MayIcomeinandsitbythestove?”“No,ithasgoneout,too.”更多英语幽默请关注微信公众平台@chriforonlineTomandHisMother“Mother,”saidlittleTom,“didyoutellfatherIwantedanewbicycle?”“Yes,dear,”saidhismother.“Itoldhim,buthesaidhecouldn'taffordtobuyyouone.”“Ofcoursehewouldsaythat.Butwhatdidyoudo?”Itoldhimhowbadlyyouwanteditandarguedinfavorofit,butherefused.“Argued?Ah,mother,ifithadbeensomethingyouwantedyouwouldhavecriedalittleandthenyou'dhavegotit!”TheUmbrellaAgentlemanstayinginahotellefthisumbrellainthe