2013届高三英语书面表达专题指导、练讲及习作评析(第三部分考场习作评析)(3)

第三部分2013届高考英语书面表达考场习作评析（三）试题来源：江苏省石庄高级中学2013届高三学情调研检测•请根据下列两幅图写一篇短文。•注意：1.描述图片内容。描述时要注意图中人物的表情；•2.谈谈你对此漫画的感受和观点；•3.写作时要适当地发挥，语言连贯；•4.词数：150左右。这原是2012届江苏省南京市金陵中学高三第一学期期中考试的试题，但我们对原卷已经做了适当的修改，增加了表达的难度。注意：2012届江苏省南京市金陵中学高三第一学期期中考试的书面表达，本工作室曾经做了个讲评上传在中学学科网上。现一并附后，供用户参考。【考场习作】•(1)Education,whichhasalwaysbeenahottopic,playsaveryimportantroleintoday’sworld.(2)Butnoteveryparentknowshowtoeducatetheirchildrencorrectly.•(3)Asisshowninthefirstpicture,whenalittlegirlfelldown,alittleboywantedtohelpher.(4)Buthismotherpreventedhimandsaid,“Youcan’t,otherwisesomeoneelsewouldsaythatitwasyouthatknockheroff.”(5)However,inthesecondpicture,anoilbottlefelldownandthemothercriticizedangrilythelittleboydidn’tstraightenthebottleup.(6)Heyelled,“IfIdidthat,youwouldsaythebottlewasbrokenbyme.”•(7)Frommypointofview,whatthemotherdidwaswrong.(8)Asweallknow,parentsarechildren’sfirstteachers.(9)Therefore,Ithinkparentsshouldnotonlycarefortheirchildren'shealth,buttheirminds.(10)Inaddition,theyshouldlettheirchildrenknowit'sapleasuretohelpotherswhoareintrouble.【习作评析】•在评析考生考场习作之前，先让我们来看一看该书面表达的最基本的要点是什么。•1.认真看图，结合文字和图画，确立所要表达的主题是：•一些家长不懂得如何正确教育孩子或不好的家庭教育的范例；•2.小男孩要去帮助跌倒的小女孩，妈妈阻止儿子去扶摔倒的女孩,并对儿子说：“不要扶，否则人家会•说是你把她碰倒的。”•3.妈妈看到儿子对于倒了的油瓶置之不理；小男孩对妈妈说：“我扶了，你会说是我碰倒的”妈妈很是震惊（愤怒）。•4.我对漫画中母亲的做法看法以及我的建议。【习作的亮点】•全文共10句160字。要点表达齐全，较好地完成了题目所规定的任务。阅卷老师判分为21分（满分为25分）。•1.习作根据作者自身水平较多使用了复合句。尤其是虚拟语气和强调句（...“Youcan’t,otherwisesomeoneelsewouldsaythatitwasyouthatknockheroff.”“IfIdidthat,youwouldsaythebottlewasbrokenbyme.”）的运用，更是增加了文章的可读性。显示了作者的较为扎实的基本功。•2.习作注意了过渡词、过渡句的使用。如第三段中：•(9)Therefore,Ithinkparentsshouldnotonlycarefortheirchildren'shealth,buttheirminds.•(10)Inaddition,theyshouldlettheirchildrenknowit'sapleasuretohelpotherswhoareintrouble.•(7)Frommypointofview,whatthemotherdidwaswrong.•(8)Asweallknow,parentsarechildren’sfirstteachers.这样的运用使得文章表达连贯；•3.习作对主题（Education,whichhasalwaysbeenahottopic,playsaveryimportantroleintoday’sworld.Butnoteveryparentknowshowtoeducatetheirchildrencorrectly.）•的概括非常精炼，恰到好处。•4.Butnoteveryparentknowshowtoeducatetheirchildrencorrectly.•这一句的使用说明作者对全部否定和部分否定句掌握得很好；•5.习作在谈谈对漫画中母亲的做法的看法非常明确。在说到建议时，有理有节。•特别是最后一句“Inaddition,theyshouldlettheirchildrenknowit'sapleasuretohelpotherswhoareintrouble.”•将主题进行了升华，给阅卷老师留下了深刻印象。【习作的缺点】•1.语气运用有错误•分析一下(4)...,“Youcan’t,otherwisesomeoneelsewouldsaythatitwasyouthatknockheroff.”和(6)...yelled,“IfIdidthat,youwouldsaythebottlewasbrokenbyme.”•我们就可以发现：前面一句是对将来的假设，因为他想要做，但被阻止了。后面一句应该既有对过去的假设又有对现在假设（因为是直接引语）。•所以(6)...yelled,“IfIhaddonethat,youwouldsaythebottlewasbroughtdownbyme.”.•另外“knock”应改成“knocked”，“broken（弄坏）”的表达不准确，改成“broughtdown（打翻）”；•2.某些句型的运用上有错误•如：(5)However,inthesecondpicture,anoilbottlefelldownandthemothercriticizedangrilythelittleboydidn’tstraightenthebottleup.•动词“criticize”后面不接that从句。•此句应改成•“However,inthesecondpicture,anoilbottlefelldownandseeingthelittleboydidn’tstraightenitup,themothercriticizedhimangrily”•3.某些句与句之间缺乏必要的连贯•如：(5)However,inthesecondpicture,anoilbottlefelldownandthemothercriticizedangrilythelittleboydidn’tstraightenthebottleup.(6)Heyelled,“IfIdidthat,youwouldsaythebottlewasbrokenbyme.”•朗读一下这两句，我们就有这样的感觉：不是那么顺畅。•所以建议修改成“However,inthesecondpicture,anoilbottlefelldownbutthelittleboydidn’tstraightenit.Sothemothercriticizedhimangrilywhenheyelled,‘IfIhaddonethat,youwouldsaythebottlewasbroughtdownbyme.’Hearinghisexplanation,themotherwasshocked.”•这样改一下就更符合逻辑。【修改后的习作】•Education,whichhasalwaysbeenahottopic,playsaveryimportantroleintoday’sworld.Butnoteveryparentknowshowtoeducatetheirchildrencorrectly.•Asisshowninthefirstpicture,whenalittlegirlfelldown,alittleboywantedtohelpher.Buthismotherpreventedhimandsaid,“Youcan’t,otherwisesomeoneelsewouldsaythatitwasyouthatknockedheroff.”However,inthesecondpicture,anoilbottlefelldownbutthelittleboydidn’tstraightenit.Sothemothercriticizedhimangrilywhenheyelled,‘IfIhaddonethat,youwouldsaythebottlewasbroughtdownbyme.’Hearinghisexplanation,themotherwasshocked.•Frommypointofview,whatthemotherdidwaswrong.Asweallknow,parentsarechildren’sfirstteachers.Therefore,Ithinkparentsshouldnotonlycarefortheirchildren'shealth,buttheirminds.Inaddition,theyshouldlettheirchildrenknowit'sapleasuretohelpotherswhoareintrouble.【参考答案】•Ascanbeseenfromthecartoons,itisastoryaboutabadexampleoffamilyeducation.Inthefirstpicture,aboywastryingtohelpagirlwhofelloveronthegroundwhilehisMompreventedhimfromdoingso,saying“Don’tdothat,otherwiseotherswouldthinkitwasyouwhoknockedherknown”.Inthesecondpicture,theboywasseensittingleisurelywithanoilbottlelyingonthegroundbesideshisfeet.“Whycan’tyoustraightenitup?”sheaskedangrily,butshewasgreatlyshockedbytheexplanationfromtheboy,“IfIhadliftedtheoilbottle,youwouldthinkthatitwasmewhobroughtitdown.”•Inmyopinion,themothershouldn’teducatehissoninthisway.Asweallknow,parentsarethefirstteachers，sotheyshouldsetagoodexampletothem.Ithinkparentsshouldnotonlycarefortheirchildren'shealth,buttheirminds.Forexample,theyshouldlettheirchildrenknowit'sapleasuretohelpotherswhoareintrouble.【附录】•请根据下列两幅图写一篇短文，短文内容应包括以下几个要点：•①妈妈阻止儿子去扶摔倒的女孩；•②儿子对于倒了的油瓶置之不理。•③写作时要适当地发挥，语言连贯，要写出妈妈的惊诧，还要写自己对此